(jokes) Fun at....

[Cypher]

They're not <i>all</i> winners, but if you're like me (buzzing at 3am), you'll at least get a good chuckle out of even the dumb ones.

Some of these are really long...

[Cypher]

<ul>
<li>Page yourself over the intercom. Don't disguise your voice.</li>
<li>Insist that your e mail address be '[email protected]' or '[email protected]'</li>
<li>Every time someone asks you to do something, ask if they want fries with that.</li>
<li>Put your waste bin on your desk and label it 'IN.'</li>
<li>Develop an unnatural fear of staplers.</li>
<li>Put decaf in the coffee maker for 3 weeks. Once everyone has gotten over their caffeine addictions, switch to espresso.</li>
<li>Reply to everything someone says with, "That's what you think."</li>
<li>Finish all your sentences with "In accordance with the prophecy."</li>
<li>Adjust the tint on your monitor so that the brightness level lights up the entire working area. Insist to others that you like it that way.</li>
<li>Dont use any punctuation</li>
<li>As often as possible, skip rather than walk.</li>
<li>Find out where your boss shops and buy exactly the same outfits. Wear them on day after your boss does. This is especially affective if your boss is the opposite gender.</li>
<li>Send e-mail to the rest of the company to tell them what you're doing. For example: "If anyone needs me, I'll be in the bathroom."</li>
<li>Hang mosquito netting around your cubicle. When you emerge to get coffee or a printout or whatever, slap yourself randomly the whole way.</li>
<li>Put a chair facing a printer. Sit there all day and tell people you're waiting for your document.</li>
<li>Make up nicknames for all your coworkers and refer to them only by these names. "That's a good point, Sparky." "No, I'm sorry, but I'm going to have to disagree with you there, Cha-cha.</li>
</ul>

[LA_MERC_MadMAX]

Hehehe...I pictured the IT dept way too often reading that one...lol

[Cypher]

Log on, wait a sec, then get a frightened look on your face and scream "Oh my God! They've found me!" and bolt.

Laugh uncontrollably for about 3 minutes & then suddenly stop and look suspiciously at everyone who looks at you.

When your computer is turned off, complain to the monitor on duty that you can't get the damn thing to work. After he/she's turned it on, wait 5 minutes, turn it off again, & repeat the process for a good half hour.

Type frantically, often stopping to look at the person next to you evilly.

Before anyone else is in the lab, connect each computer to different screen than the one it's set up with.

Work normally for a while. Suddenly look amazingly startled by something on the screen and crawl underneath the desk.

Ask the person next to you if they know how to tap into top-secret Pentagon files.

Use Interactive Send to make passes at people you don't know.

Make a small ritual sacrifice to the computer before you turn it on.

Bring a chainsaw, but don't use it. If anyone asks why you have it, say "Just in case..." mysteriously.

Enter the lab, undress, and start staring at other people as if they're crazy while typing.

Ask around for a spare disk. Offer $2. Keep asking until someone agrees. Then, pull a disk out of your fly and say, "Oops, I forgot."

Every time you press Return and there is processing time required, pray "Ohpleaseohpleaseohpleaseohplease," and scream "YES!" when it finishes.

"DISK FIGHT!!!"

Start making out with the person at the terminal next to you (It helps if you know them, but this is also a great way to make new friends).

Put a straw in your mouth and put your hands in your pockets. Type by hitting the keys with the straw.

If you're sitting in a swivel chair, spin around singing "The Lion Sleeps Tonight" whenever there is processing time required.

Try to stick a Ninetendo cartridge into the 3 1/2 disc drive, when it doesn't work, get the supervisor.

Print out the complete works of Shakespeare, then when its all done (two days later) say that all you wanted was one line.

Sit and stare at the screen, biting your nails noisily. After doing this for a while, spit them out at the feet of the person next to you.

Stare at the screen, grind your teeth, stop, look at the person next to you. Grind some more. Repeat procedure, making sure you never provoke the person enough to let them blow up, as this releases tension, and it is far more effective to let them linger.

If you have long hair, take a typing break, look for split ends, cut them and deposit them on your neighbor's keyboard as you leave.

Put a large, gold-framed portrait of the British Royal Family on your desk and loudly proclaim that it inspires you.

Take the keyboard and sit under the computer. Type up your paper like this. Then go to the lab supervisor and complain about the bad working conditions.

Laugh hysterically, shout "You will all perish in flames!!!" and continue working.

Bring some dry ice & make it look like your computer is smoking.

Assign a musical note to every key (ie. the Delete key is A Flat, the B key is F sharp, etc.). Whenever you hit a key, hum its note loudly. Write an entire pape this way.

Attempt to eat your computer's mouse.

Borrow someone else's keyboard by reaching over, saying "Excuse me, mind if I borrow this for a sec?", unplugging the keyboard & taking it.

Bring in a bunch of magnets and have fun.

When doing calculations, pull out an abacus and say that sometimes the old ways are best.

Play Pong for hours on the most powerful computer in the lab.

Make a loud noise of hitting the same key over and over again until you see that your neighbor is noticing (You can hit the space bar so your file isn't affected). Then look at your neighbor's keyboard. Hit his/her delete key several times, erasing an entire word. While you do this, ask: "Does *your* delete key work?" Shake your head, and resume hitting the space bar on your keyboard. Keep doing this until you've deleted about a page of your neighbor's document. Then, suddenly exclaim: "Well, whaddya know? I've been hitting the space bar this whole time. No wonder it wasn't deleting! Print out your document and leave.

Remove your disk from the drive and hide it. Go to the lab monitor and complain that your computer ate your disk. (For special effects, put some Elmer's Glue on or around the disk drive. Claim that the computer is drooling.)

Stare at the screen of the person next to you, look really puzzled, burst out laughing, and say "You did that?" loudly. Keep laughing, grab your stuff and leave, howling as you go.

Point at the screen. Chant in a made up language while making elaborate hand gestures for a minute or two. Press return or the mouse, then leap back and yell "COVEEEEERRRRRR!" peek up from under the table, walk back to the computer and say. "Oh, good. It worked this time," and calmly start to type again.

Keep looking at invisible bugs and trying to swat them.

Bring an small tape player with a tape of really absurd sound effects. Pretend it's the computer and look really lost.

Pull out a pencil. Start writing on the screen. Complain that the lead doesn't work.

Run into the computer lab, shout "Armageddon is here!!!!!", then calmly sit down and begin to type.

Two words: Tesla Coil.

[Cypher]

(these should also work at K-Mart, Target, etc...)

Casually follow a stranger through the store. Spray everything they touch with Lysol disinfectant. Do not talk to them or make eye contact.

Take shopping carts for the express purpose of filling them andstranding them at strategic locations.

Set all the alarm clocks to go off at ten minute intervals throughout the day.

Start playing Football; see how many strangers you can get to join in.

(females:) Run up to an employee (preferrebly a male) while squeezing your legs together and practically yell at him "I need some tampons!!"

(females?) Try on bras in the sewing/fabric department.

(females?) Try on bras over top of your clothes.

Make a trail of orange juice on the ground, leading to the restrooms.

Walk up to an employee and tell him in an official tone, "I think we've got a Code 3 in Housewares," and see what happens.

Tune all the radios to a polka station; then turn them all off and turn the volumes to "10".

Walk up to complete strangers and say, "Hi! I haven't seen you in so long!..." etc. See if they play along to avoid embarrassment.

While walking through the clothing department, ask yourself loud enough for all to hear, "Who BUYS this garbage, anyway?"

Repeat the above in the jewelry department.

Try putting different pairs of women's panties on your head and walk around the store casually.

Leave small sacrifices or gifts in the hands of the mannequins.

Play soccer with a group of friends, using the entire store as your playing field.

As the cashier runs your purchases over the scanner, look mesmerized and say, "Wow. Magic!"

Put M&M's on layaway.

Move "Caution: Wet Floor" signs to carpeted areas.

Set up a tent in the camping department; tell others you'll only invite them in if they bring pillows from Bed and Bath.

Contaminate the entire auto department by sampling all the spray air fresheners.

Nonchalantly "test" the brushes and combs in Cosmetics.

Drape a blanket around your shoulders and run around saying, "...I'm Batman. Come, Robin--to the Batcave!"

TP as much of the store as possible.

Randomly throw things over into neighboring aisles.

Play with the calculators so that they all spell "hello" upside down.

When someone asks if you need help, begin to cry and ask, "Why won't you people just leave me alone?"

When two or three people are walking ahead of you, run between them, yelling, "Red Rover!"

Look right into the security camera, and use it as a mirror while you pick your nose.

Take up an entire aisle in Toys by setting up a full scale battlefield with G.I. Joes vs. the X-Men.

Take bets on the battle described above.

Set up another battlefield with G.I. Joes vs. G.I. Janes. (Red lipstick might give an interesting effect!!!)

While handling guns in the hunting department, suddenly ask the clerk if he knows where the anti-depressants are. Act as spastic as possible.

While nobody's watching, quickly switch the men's and women's signs on the doors of the rest rooms.

Dart around suspiciously while humming the theme from "Mission: Impossible."

Attempt to fit into very large gym bags.

Attempt to fit other shoppers into very large gym bags.

Fill your cart with boxes of condoms, and watch everyone's jaws drop when you attempt to buy them.

Set up a "Valet Parking" sign in front of the store.

Two words: "Marco Polo."

Leave Cheerios in Lawn and Garden, pillows in the pet food aisle, etc.

"Re-alphabetize" the CD's in Electronics.

In the auto department, practice your "Madonna" look with various funnels.

Hide in the clothing racks and when people browse through, say things like "the fat man walks alone."

When an announcement comes over the loudspeaker, assume the fetal position and scream, "No, no! It's those voices again!"

Go to an empty checkout stand and try to check people out.

Drag a lounge chair on display over to the magazines and relax. If the store has a food court, buy a soft drink; explain that you don't get out much, and ask if they can put a little umbrella in it.

Get a stuffed animal and go to the front of the store and begin stroking it lovingly, saying "Good girl, good Bessie."

Go over to the shoe department and try on every pair of shoes, not putting one pair back. Take the paper from the boxes and throw it in various aisles.

When someone steps away from their cart to look at something, quickly make off with it without saying a word.

Follow people through the aisles, always staying about five feet away. Continue to do this until they leave the department.

Ask other customers if they have any Grey Poupon.

Test the fishing rods and see what you can "catch" from the other aisles.

Hold indoor shopping cart races with strangers.

Re-dress the mannequins as you see fit.

When there are people behind you, walk REALLY SLOW, especially thin narrow aisles.

Relax in the patio furniture until you get kicked out.

Challenge other customers (strangers) to duels with tubes of gift wrap.

Pay off layaways fifty cents at a time.

Say things like, "Would you be so kind as to direct me to your Twinkies?"

Make up nonsense products and ask newly hired employees if they have any in stock, i.e., "Do you have any shnerples here?"

Ride a display bicycle through the store; claim you're taking it for a "test drive."

Leave cryptic messages on the typewriters.

[LA_MERC_MadMAX]

hmmmm...has ideas for next trip to Wal-Mart....mwa ha ha ha ha ha ha

[Cypher]

(How to drive your roommate crazy)

Switch the sheets on your beds while s/he is at class.

Twitch a lot.
Steal a fishtank. Fill it with beer and dump sardines in it. Talk to them.

Become a subgenius.

Inject his/her Twinkies with a mixture of Dexatrim and MSG.

Speak in tongues.

Move your roommate's personal effects around. Start subtly. Gradually work up to big things, and eventually glue everything s/he owns to the ceiling.

Walk and talk backwards.

Recite entire movie scripts (e.g. "The Road Warrior," "Repo Man," "Casablanca") almost inaudibly.

Kill roaches with a monkey wrench while playing Wagnerian Arias on a kazoo. If your roommate complains, explain that it is for your performance art class (or just hit him/her with the wrench).

Collect all your urine in a small jug.

Chain yourself to your roommate's bed. Get him/her to bring you food.

Get a computer. Leave it on when you are not using it. Turn it off when you are.

Ask your roommate if your family can move in "just for a couple of weeks."

Buy as many back issues of Field and Stream as you can. Pretend to masturbate while reading them.

Fake a heart attack. When your roommate gets the paramedics to come, pretend nothing happened.

Smoke ballpoint pens.

Smile. All the time.

Collect dog poop in baby food jars. Label and sort them according to what you think the dog ate.

Burn all your waste paper while eyeing your roommate suspiciously.

Leave a declaration of war on your roommate's desk. Include a list of grievances.

Paste boogers on the windows in occult patterns.

Dye all your roommoate's underwear lime green.

Buy three loaves of stale bread. Grow mold in the closet.

Hide your underwear and socks in your roommate's closet. Accuse him/her of stealing it.

Pray to Azazoth or Zoroaster. Sacrifice something nasty.

Whenever your roommate walks in, wait exactly one minute and then stand up. Announce that you are going to take a shower. Do so. Keep this up for three weeks.

Arrange thirteen toothbrushes of different colors on your dresser. Set one aside from the rest. Laugh hysterically at the one toothbrush. When your roommate asks about it, refuse to discuss the situation.

Paint your half of the room black. Or paisley.

Whenever s/he is about to fall asleep, ask questions that start with "Didja ever wonder why...." Be creative.

Put your mattress underneath your bed. Sleep down under there and pile your dirty clothes on the empty bedframe. If your roommate comments, mutter "Gotta save space," twenty times while twitching violently.

Shelve all your books with the spines facing the wall. Complain loudly that you can never find the book that you want.

Always flush the toilet three times.

Subsist entirely on pickles for a week. Vomit often.

Buy a copy of Frankie Yankovic's "Pennsylvania Polka," and play it at least 6 hours a day. If your roommate complains, explain that it's an assignment for your primitive cultures class.

Give your roommate an allowance.

Listen to radio static. Hum along. Ask your roommate if s/he has this CD.

Open your window shades before you go to sleep each night. Close them as soon as you wake up.

Send secret admirer notes to strangers using your roommate's e-mail.

Clip your fingernails and toenails and keep them in a baggie. Leave the baggie near your computer and snack from it while studying. If s/he walks by, grab the bag close and eye him/her suspiciously.

Paste used Kleenexes to his/her walls.

Whenever your roommate comes in from the shower, lower your eyes and giggle to yourself.

If you get in before your roommate, go to sleep in his/her bed.

Whenever his/her parents call and ask for your roommate, breathe into the phone for 5 seconds then hang up.

Collect all of your pencil shavings and sprinkle them on the floor.

Create an imaginary pet cat. Talk to it every night, act like you're holding it, keep a litter box under your desk. After two weeks, say that your cat is missing. Put up signs in your dorm, blame your roommate.

Call campus security whenever your roommate turns up his/her music.

Whenever the phone rings, get up and answer the door.
Whenever someone knocks, answer the phone.

Stare at your roommate for five minutes out of every hour. Don't say anything, just stare.

Tell your roommate that someone called and said that it was really important but you can't remember who it was.

Let mice loose in the room.

Take all of your roommate's furniture and build a fort. Guard the fort for an entire weekend.

Whenever you're on the phone and s/he walks in, hang up immediately without saying anything and crawl under your desk. Sit there for two minutes, then call whoever it was back.

Insist on writing the entire lyrics to American Pie on your ceiling above your bed. Sing them every night before you go to bed.

Buy Sea Monkeys and grow them. Name one after your roommate. Announce the next day that that one died. Name another one after your roommate. The next day say that it died. Keep this up until they all die.

Collect Chia Pets.

Eat a bag of marshmallows before you go to bed. The next day, spray three bottles of whipped cream all over your floor. Say you got sick.

If you know that s/he is in the room, come barging in out of breath. Ask if they saw a fat bald naked Tibetan man run through carrying a hundred dollar bill. Run back out swearing.

Urinate in a jar and leave it by your bed. When your roommate isn't looking, replace it with a jar of apple juice. Each night before you go to bed, take a big swig from the jar.