LA_MERC_Dirge
January 25th, 2003, 09:32 AM
If you come to New Orleans, you better say it right.
It's pronounced "Nawlenz". No one from here says "New Orleens"
unless they are writing
a song or they want their ass kicked .
It's hot. It's humid. It rains. Those are the only 3 weather
patterns we have here.
No one eats healthy. Fried Batter is actually a menu item in some
restaurants.
Giving directions to a non-local in New Orleans is a waste of time.
Every street
intersects with each other. No two streets run parallel to each
other. The West
Bank is actually East of the city. It would take too long to
explain.
1 out of 3 street names are impossible to pronounce unless you were
born in New
Orleans, or you are a cajun.
If the levee breaks, everyone here will die. No one seems worried
about this problem
either.
There are 365 days in the year. There are 414 parties/festivals in
New Orleans.
( That's just on a slow month).
Then how come no one ever leaves?
----------READ ON----------
Louisiana Driving Rules:
1. A right lane construction closure is just a game to see how many
people can cut
in line by passing you on the right as you sit in the left lane
waiting for the
same drivers to squeeze their way back in before hitting the orange
construction
barrels.
2. Turn signals will give away your next move. A real Louisiana
driver never uses
them. Use of them in New Orleans may be illegal.
3. Crossing two or more lanes in a single lane-change is considered
"going with
the flow".
4. Never get in the way of an older car tha t needs extensive
bodywork. (Reason:
no insurance )
----------READ ON----------
SOUTHERN ADVICE
If you are from the northern states and planning on visiting or
moving to the South,
there are a few things you should know that will help you adapt to
the difference
in lifestyles:
If you run your car into a ditch, don't panic. Four men in a
four-wheel drive pickup
truck with a tow chain will be along shortly. Don't try to help
them; just stay
out of their way. This is what they live for.
Don't be surprised to find movie rentals and bait in the same store.
Don't buy food
at this store.
Remember, "y'all" is singular, "all y'all" is plural, and "all
y'all's" is plural
possessive.
The first Southern statement to creep into a transplanted
Northerner's vocabulary
is the adjective 'big ol' truck or 'big ol' boy. Most Northerners
begin their Southern-influenced
dialect this way. All of them are in denial about it.
Be advised that 'He needed killin' is a valid defense here.
If you hear a Southerner exclaim, "Hey, y'all, watch this," you
should stay out
of the way. These are likely to be the last words he'll ever say.
If there is the prediction of the slightest chance of even the
smallest accumulation
of snow, your presence is required at the local grocery store. It
doesn't matter
whether you need anything or not. You just have to go there.
Do not be surprised to find that 10-year-olds own their own
shotguns, they are proficient
marksmen, and their Mammas taught them how to aim.
The North has sun-dried toe-mah-toes .. The South has 'mater
samiches.
The North has coffee houses .. The South has Waffle Houses.
The North has dating services .. The South has family reunions.
The North has switchblade knives .. The South has Lee Press-on
Nails.
The North has double last names .. The South has double first names.
The North has Ted Kennedy .. The South has Edwin Edwards.
The North has an ambulance .. The South has an am-a-lance.
The North has Cream of Wheat .. The South has grits.
The North has green salads .. The South has collard greens.
The North has lobsters .. The South has crawfish .
AND REMEMBER: If you do settle in the South and bear children, don't
think we will
accept them as Southerners. After all, if the cat had kittens in the
oven, we wouldn't
call them biscuits.
HAVE A GOOD DAY! Send this to four people that ain't related to ya,
and I reckon
your life will turn into a country music song 'fore you know it!
It's pronounced "Nawlenz". No one from here says "New Orleens"
unless they are writing
a song or they want their ass kicked .
It's hot. It's humid. It rains. Those are the only 3 weather
patterns we have here.
No one eats healthy. Fried Batter is actually a menu item in some
restaurants.
Giving directions to a non-local in New Orleans is a waste of time.
Every street
intersects with each other. No two streets run parallel to each
other. The West
Bank is actually East of the city. It would take too long to
explain.
1 out of 3 street names are impossible to pronounce unless you were
born in New
Orleans, or you are a cajun.
If the levee breaks, everyone here will die. No one seems worried
about this problem
either.
There are 365 days in the year. There are 414 parties/festivals in
New Orleans.
( That's just on a slow month).
Then how come no one ever leaves?
----------READ ON----------
Louisiana Driving Rules:
1. A right lane construction closure is just a game to see how many
people can cut
in line by passing you on the right as you sit in the left lane
waiting for the
same drivers to squeeze their way back in before hitting the orange
construction
barrels.
2. Turn signals will give away your next move. A real Louisiana
driver never uses
them. Use of them in New Orleans may be illegal.
3. Crossing two or more lanes in a single lane-change is considered
"going with
the flow".
4. Never get in the way of an older car tha t needs extensive
bodywork. (Reason:
no insurance )
----------READ ON----------
SOUTHERN ADVICE
If you are from the northern states and planning on visiting or
moving to the South,
there are a few things you should know that will help you adapt to
the difference
in lifestyles:
If you run your car into a ditch, don't panic. Four men in a
four-wheel drive pickup
truck with a tow chain will be along shortly. Don't try to help
them; just stay
out of their way. This is what they live for.
Don't be surprised to find movie rentals and bait in the same store.
Don't buy food
at this store.
Remember, "y'all" is singular, "all y'all" is plural, and "all
y'all's" is plural
possessive.
The first Southern statement to creep into a transplanted
Northerner's vocabulary
is the adjective 'big ol' truck or 'big ol' boy. Most Northerners
begin their Southern-influenced
dialect this way. All of them are in denial about it.
Be advised that 'He needed killin' is a valid defense here.
If you hear a Southerner exclaim, "Hey, y'all, watch this," you
should stay out
of the way. These are likely to be the last words he'll ever say.
If there is the prediction of the slightest chance of even the
smallest accumulation
of snow, your presence is required at the local grocery store. It
doesn't matter
whether you need anything or not. You just have to go there.
Do not be surprised to find that 10-year-olds own their own
shotguns, they are proficient
marksmen, and their Mammas taught them how to aim.
The North has sun-dried toe-mah-toes .. The South has 'mater
samiches.
The North has coffee houses .. The South has Waffle Houses.
The North has dating services .. The South has family reunions.
The North has switchblade knives .. The South has Lee Press-on
Nails.
The North has double last names .. The South has double first names.
The North has Ted Kennedy .. The South has Edwin Edwards.
The North has an ambulance .. The South has an am-a-lance.
The North has Cream of Wheat .. The South has grits.
The North has green salads .. The South has collard greens.
The North has lobsters .. The South has crawfish .
AND REMEMBER: If you do settle in the South and bear children, don't
think we will
accept them as Southerners. After all, if the cat had kittens in the
oven, we wouldn't
call them biscuits.
HAVE A GOOD DAY! Send this to four people that ain't related to ya,
and I reckon
your life will turn into a country music song 'fore you know it!