LA_MERC_Dirge
October 1st, 2002, 08:04 AM
w00t Here's the official Louisiana Hurricane Preparedness Guide!!!
The REAL hurricane instructions
Louisiana Hurricane Season Reminders: We are about to enter the peak of the hurricane season. Any day now, you will turn on the TV and see a weather person point to a radar blob and make two basic meteorological points:
(1) There is no need to panic.
(2) We could all be killed.
Yes, hurricane season is an exciting time to be here in Louisiana. If you are new to the area, you need to know how to prepare for "THE BIG ONE." The best way to get information on this topic is to ask people who were here during other hurricanes. Based on our experiences, we recommend that you follow this simple three-step plan.
HURRICANE PREPAREDNESS PLAN:
STEP 1. Buy enough food and bottled water to last your family for at least three days.
STEP 2. Put these supplies into your car.
STEP 3. Drive to North Dakota and stay there until Thanksgiving.
Unfortunately, statistics show that most people will not follow this plan. Most people will stay here in Louisiana. If you are one of those people, you will want to clip out the following useful hurricane information and tuck it away in a safe place so that later on, when a storm does brew, you will not be able to find it.
Let's start with the first important hurricane preparedness item:
Homeowner's insurance:
If you own a home, you must have hurricane insurance. Fortunately, this insurance is cheap and easy to get, as long as your home meets two basic requirements:
(1) It is reasonably well built.
(2) It is located in North Dakota
Unfortunately, if your home is located in Louisiana, in an area that might actually be hit by a hurricane, most insurance companies will not sell you hurricane insurance, and for obvious reasons. Should a bad storm hit, they would be required to pay you money. Thus, you will have to scrounge around for some cheapie insurance company which will charge you an annual premium roughly equal to the replacement value of your house. At any moment, this company can drop you like yesterday's dental floss. Since Hurricane Andrew, I have had an estimated 27 different home insurance companies. This week, I am covered by the Boxer Bob and Big Stan Insurance Company, under a policy which states that, in addition to my premium, Boxer Bob and Big Stan are entitled, on demand, to my kidneys.
Shutters:
Your house should have hurricane shutters on all windows and doors. And -- if it's a major hurricane - - all toilets. There are several types of shutters, with advantages and disadvantages.
Plywood shutters: The advantage is that they are cheap because you can make them yourself. The disadvantage is that they will fall off.
Sheet-metal shutters: Not too pricey. The disadvantage is that by the time you get them oiled-up and in working order, the hurricane will have blown over.
Electric Roll-Down Shutters: Very easy to use. Just push a button and they will definitely protect your house. The disadvantage is that you will have to sell your house to pay for them.
"Hurricane-proof" windows: These are the newest wrinkle in hurricane protection: They look like ordinary windows, but they can withstand hurricane winds! (They were tested in Nebraska.)
Hurricane-Proofing Your Property: As a hurricane approaches, check your yard for movable objects such as barbecue grills, planters, patio furniture, etc. Throw these items into your swimming pool. If you don't have a swimming pool, throw them into your neighbor's swimming pool. Otherwise, hurricane winds will turn these objects into deadly missiles. (If you happen to have deadly missiles in your yard, don't worry, because the hurricane winds will turn THEM into harmless objects).
Evacuation Route: If you live in a low-lying area, you should have an evacuation route planned out. To determine whether you live in a low-lying area or not, look at your driver's license. If it says "Louisiana," you live in a low-lying area.) The purpose of having an evacuation route is to avoid being trapped in your home when a major storm hits. Instead, you will be trapped in a gigantic traffic jam several miles from your home, along with two million other retirees with loud horns and bad tempers.
Hurricane Supplies: If you don't evacuate, you will need supplies. Do not buy them now! Louisiana tradition requires that you wait until the last possible minute. Then, go to the supermarket and get into a vicious fight with a total stranger over the last can of SPAM.
In addition to food and water, you will need the following:
13 flashlights and at least $100 worth of batteries that turn out to be the wrong size for the flashlights.
Bleach. (No, I don't know what the bleach is for. NOBODY knows what the bleach is for. But it's traditional, so GET some!)
A 5-gallon drum of underarm deodorant.
A big knife that you can strap to your leg. (This will be useless in a hurricane, but it looks cool and could be used to ward off vermin.)
A large quantity of bananas, and $35,000 in cash, gold or diamonds so that, after the hurricane passes, you can buy a generator from a man with no discernible teeth.
Of course these are just basic precautions. As the hurricane draws near, it is vitally important that you keep abreast of the situation by turning on your television. You can then watch TV reporters in rain slickers stand right next to the Gulfand tell you over and over how important it is for everyone to stay away from the Gulf.
Good luck and remember: It's great living in Louisiana!
The REAL hurricane instructions
Louisiana Hurricane Season Reminders: We are about to enter the peak of the hurricane season. Any day now, you will turn on the TV and see a weather person point to a radar blob and make two basic meteorological points:
(1) There is no need to panic.
(2) We could all be killed.
Yes, hurricane season is an exciting time to be here in Louisiana. If you are new to the area, you need to know how to prepare for "THE BIG ONE." The best way to get information on this topic is to ask people who were here during other hurricanes. Based on our experiences, we recommend that you follow this simple three-step plan.
HURRICANE PREPAREDNESS PLAN:
STEP 1. Buy enough food and bottled water to last your family for at least three days.
STEP 2. Put these supplies into your car.
STEP 3. Drive to North Dakota and stay there until Thanksgiving.
Unfortunately, statistics show that most people will not follow this plan. Most people will stay here in Louisiana. If you are one of those people, you will want to clip out the following useful hurricane information and tuck it away in a safe place so that later on, when a storm does brew, you will not be able to find it.
Let's start with the first important hurricane preparedness item:
Homeowner's insurance:
If you own a home, you must have hurricane insurance. Fortunately, this insurance is cheap and easy to get, as long as your home meets two basic requirements:
(1) It is reasonably well built.
(2) It is located in North Dakota
Unfortunately, if your home is located in Louisiana, in an area that might actually be hit by a hurricane, most insurance companies will not sell you hurricane insurance, and for obvious reasons. Should a bad storm hit, they would be required to pay you money. Thus, you will have to scrounge around for some cheapie insurance company which will charge you an annual premium roughly equal to the replacement value of your house. At any moment, this company can drop you like yesterday's dental floss. Since Hurricane Andrew, I have had an estimated 27 different home insurance companies. This week, I am covered by the Boxer Bob and Big Stan Insurance Company, under a policy which states that, in addition to my premium, Boxer Bob and Big Stan are entitled, on demand, to my kidneys.
Shutters:
Your house should have hurricane shutters on all windows and doors. And -- if it's a major hurricane - - all toilets. There are several types of shutters, with advantages and disadvantages.
Plywood shutters: The advantage is that they are cheap because you can make them yourself. The disadvantage is that they will fall off.
Sheet-metal shutters: Not too pricey. The disadvantage is that by the time you get them oiled-up and in working order, the hurricane will have blown over.
Electric Roll-Down Shutters: Very easy to use. Just push a button and they will definitely protect your house. The disadvantage is that you will have to sell your house to pay for them.
"Hurricane-proof" windows: These are the newest wrinkle in hurricane protection: They look like ordinary windows, but they can withstand hurricane winds! (They were tested in Nebraska.)
Hurricane-Proofing Your Property: As a hurricane approaches, check your yard for movable objects such as barbecue grills, planters, patio furniture, etc. Throw these items into your swimming pool. If you don't have a swimming pool, throw them into your neighbor's swimming pool. Otherwise, hurricane winds will turn these objects into deadly missiles. (If you happen to have deadly missiles in your yard, don't worry, because the hurricane winds will turn THEM into harmless objects).
Evacuation Route: If you live in a low-lying area, you should have an evacuation route planned out. To determine whether you live in a low-lying area or not, look at your driver's license. If it says "Louisiana," you live in a low-lying area.) The purpose of having an evacuation route is to avoid being trapped in your home when a major storm hits. Instead, you will be trapped in a gigantic traffic jam several miles from your home, along with two million other retirees with loud horns and bad tempers.
Hurricane Supplies: If you don't evacuate, you will need supplies. Do not buy them now! Louisiana tradition requires that you wait until the last possible minute. Then, go to the supermarket and get into a vicious fight with a total stranger over the last can of SPAM.
In addition to food and water, you will need the following:
13 flashlights and at least $100 worth of batteries that turn out to be the wrong size for the flashlights.
Bleach. (No, I don't know what the bleach is for. NOBODY knows what the bleach is for. But it's traditional, so GET some!)
A 5-gallon drum of underarm deodorant.
A big knife that you can strap to your leg. (This will be useless in a hurricane, but it looks cool and could be used to ward off vermin.)
A large quantity of bananas, and $35,000 in cash, gold or diamonds so that, after the hurricane passes, you can buy a generator from a man with no discernible teeth.
Of course these are just basic precautions. As the hurricane draws near, it is vitally important that you keep abreast of the situation by turning on your television. You can then watch TV reporters in rain slickers stand right next to the Gulfand tell you over and over how important it is for everyone to stay away from the Gulf.
Good luck and remember: It's great living in Louisiana!