LA_MERC_Dragonlady[s]
February 28th, 2007, 04:58 PM
WAX is Not your Friend"
This is funny! CAUTION: Be prepared to laugh out loud...I laughed
till I almost cried as I could just see this happening! All hair
removal methods have tricked women with their promises of easy,
painless removal - The epilady, scissors, razors, Nair and now . .
. The wax.
My night began as any other normal weeknight. Come home, fix
dinner, play with the kids. I then had the thought that would ring painfully in my mind for the next few hours:
Maybe I should pull the waxing kit out of the medicine cabinet. So
I headed to the site of my demise: the bathroom. It was one of
those "cold wax" kits. No melting a clump of hot wax, you just rub
the strips together in your hand, they get warm and you peel them
apart and press them to your leg (or wherever else) and you pull
the hair right off. No muss, no fuss. How can it be? I mean, I'm
not a genius, but I am mechanically inclined enough to figure this
out.
(YA THINK!?!)
So I pull one of the thin strips out. Its two strips facing each
other stuck together. Instead of
rubbing them together, my genius
kicks in so I get out the hair dryer and heat it to 1000 degrees.
("Cold wax," yeah . . . Right!) I lay the strip across my thigh.
Hold the skin around it tight and pull. It works! OK, so it wasn't
the best feeling, but it wasn't too bad. I can do this! Hair
removal no longer eludes me!
I am She-rah, fighter of all wayward body hair and maker of smooth
skin extraordinaire.
With my next wax strip I move north. After checking on the kids, I
sneak back into the bathroom, for the ultimate hair fighting
championship. I drop my panties and place one foot on the toilet.
Using the same procedure, I apply the one strip across the right
side of my bikini line, covering
the right half of my *hoo-hoo* and
stretching down to the inside of my butt cheek (Yes, it was a long
strip)
I inhale deeply and brace myself....RRRRIIIPPP!!!! I'm blind!!!
Blinded from pain!!!! . . . . OH MY GOD!!!!!!!!! Vision returning,
I notice that I've only managed to pull off half the strip.
CRAP!!! Another deep breath and RRIIPP!! Everything is swirly and
spotted. I think I may pass out . . . Must stay conscious . . . Do
I hear crashing drums??? Breathe, breathe . . . OK, back to
normal. I want to see my trophy - a wax covered strip, the one
that has caused me so much pain, with my hairy pelt sticking to it.
I want to revel in the glory that is my triumph over
body hair. I
hold up the strip!
There's no hair on it. Where is the hair??? WHERE IS THE WAX???
Slowly I ease my head down, foot still perched on the toilet. I see
the hair. The hair that should be on the strip. I touch. I am
touching wax.
CRAP! I run my fingers over the most sensitive part of my body,
which is now covered in cold wax and matted hair. Then I make the
next BIG mistake . . . Remember my foot is still propped up on the
toilet? I know I need to do something. So I put my foot down.
DAMN!!!!!!!! I hear the slamming of a cell door. *hoo-hoo*? Sealed
shut!
Butt?? Sealed shut! I penguin walk around the bathroom
trying to figure out what to do and think to myself "Please don't
let me get the urge to poop. My head may pop off!" What can I do to
melt the wax? Hot water!! Hot water melts wax!!!
I'll run the hottest water I can stand into the bathtub, get in,
immerse the wax-covered bits and the wax should melt and I can
gently wipe it off, right??? WRONG!!!!!!!
I get in the tub - the water is slightly hotter than that used to
torture prisoners of war or sterilize surgical equipment - I sit.
Now, the only thing worse than having your nether regions glued
together is having them glued together and then glued to the bottom
of the tub...in scalding hot water. Which, by the way, doesn't
melt cold wax.So, now I'm stuck to the bottom of the tub as though I had cement-epoxied myself to the porcelain!! God bless the man who had
convinced me a few months ago to have a phone put in the
bathroom!!!!! I call my friend, thinking surely she has waxed
before and has some secret of how to get me undone. It's a very
good conversation starter. "So, my butt and who-ha are glued
together to the bottom of the tub!"
There is a slight pause. She doesn't know any secret tricks for
removal but she does try to hide her laughter from me. She wants to
know exactly where the wax is located, "Are we talking cheeks or
who-ha?"
She's laughing out loud by now...I can hear her. I give her the
rundown and she suggests I call the number on the side of the box.
YEAH!!!!! Right!! I should be the joke of someone else's night.
While we go through various solutions. I resort to scraping the wax
off with a razor. Nothing feels better then to have your girlie
goodies covered in hot wax, glued shut, stuck to the tub in super
hot water and then dry-shaving the sticky wax off!!
By now the brain is not working, dignity has taken a major hike and
I'm pretty sure I'm going to need Post-Traumatic Stress counseling for this event.My friend is still talking with me when I finally see my savinggrace . . . . The lotion they give you to remove the excess wax.
What do I really have to lose at this point?
I rub some on and OH MY GOD!!!!!!!
The scream probably woke the kids and scared the ****ens out of my
friend. It's sooo painful, I but I really don't care. "IT WORKS!!
It works!!"I get a hearty congratulation from my friend and she hangs up. I successfully remove the remainder of the wax and then notice to my
grief and despair . . . . THE HAIR IS STILL THERE . . . . ALL OF IT!!!! So I recklessly shave it off. Heck, I'm numb by now. Nothing hurts. I could have amputated my own leg at this point.Next week I'm going to try hair color . . . . . . Now that's funny
. . . . . . .Notttttttttt.
This is funny! CAUTION: Be prepared to laugh out loud...I laughed
till I almost cried as I could just see this happening! All hair
removal methods have tricked women with their promises of easy,
painless removal - The epilady, scissors, razors, Nair and now . .
. The wax.
My night began as any other normal weeknight. Come home, fix
dinner, play with the kids. I then had the thought that would ring painfully in my mind for the next few hours:
Maybe I should pull the waxing kit out of the medicine cabinet. So
I headed to the site of my demise: the bathroom. It was one of
those "cold wax" kits. No melting a clump of hot wax, you just rub
the strips together in your hand, they get warm and you peel them
apart and press them to your leg (or wherever else) and you pull
the hair right off. No muss, no fuss. How can it be? I mean, I'm
not a genius, but I am mechanically inclined enough to figure this
out.
(YA THINK!?!)
So I pull one of the thin strips out. Its two strips facing each
other stuck together. Instead of
rubbing them together, my genius
kicks in so I get out the hair dryer and heat it to 1000 degrees.
("Cold wax," yeah . . . Right!) I lay the strip across my thigh.
Hold the skin around it tight and pull. It works! OK, so it wasn't
the best feeling, but it wasn't too bad. I can do this! Hair
removal no longer eludes me!
I am She-rah, fighter of all wayward body hair and maker of smooth
skin extraordinaire.
With my next wax strip I move north. After checking on the kids, I
sneak back into the bathroom, for the ultimate hair fighting
championship. I drop my panties and place one foot on the toilet.
Using the same procedure, I apply the one strip across the right
side of my bikini line, covering
the right half of my *hoo-hoo* and
stretching down to the inside of my butt cheek (Yes, it was a long
strip)
I inhale deeply and brace myself....RRRRIIIPPP!!!! I'm blind!!!
Blinded from pain!!!! . . . . OH MY GOD!!!!!!!!! Vision returning,
I notice that I've only managed to pull off half the strip.
CRAP!!! Another deep breath and RRIIPP!! Everything is swirly and
spotted. I think I may pass out . . . Must stay conscious . . . Do
I hear crashing drums??? Breathe, breathe . . . OK, back to
normal. I want to see my trophy - a wax covered strip, the one
that has caused me so much pain, with my hairy pelt sticking to it.
I want to revel in the glory that is my triumph over
body hair. I
hold up the strip!
There's no hair on it. Where is the hair??? WHERE IS THE WAX???
Slowly I ease my head down, foot still perched on the toilet. I see
the hair. The hair that should be on the strip. I touch. I am
touching wax.
CRAP! I run my fingers over the most sensitive part of my body,
which is now covered in cold wax and matted hair. Then I make the
next BIG mistake . . . Remember my foot is still propped up on the
toilet? I know I need to do something. So I put my foot down.
DAMN!!!!!!!! I hear the slamming of a cell door. *hoo-hoo*? Sealed
shut!
Butt?? Sealed shut! I penguin walk around the bathroom
trying to figure out what to do and think to myself "Please don't
let me get the urge to poop. My head may pop off!" What can I do to
melt the wax? Hot water!! Hot water melts wax!!!
I'll run the hottest water I can stand into the bathtub, get in,
immerse the wax-covered bits and the wax should melt and I can
gently wipe it off, right??? WRONG!!!!!!!
I get in the tub - the water is slightly hotter than that used to
torture prisoners of war or sterilize surgical equipment - I sit.
Now, the only thing worse than having your nether regions glued
together is having them glued together and then glued to the bottom
of the tub...in scalding hot water. Which, by the way, doesn't
melt cold wax.So, now I'm stuck to the bottom of the tub as though I had cement-epoxied myself to the porcelain!! God bless the man who had
convinced me a few months ago to have a phone put in the
bathroom!!!!! I call my friend, thinking surely she has waxed
before and has some secret of how to get me undone. It's a very
good conversation starter. "So, my butt and who-ha are glued
together to the bottom of the tub!"
There is a slight pause. She doesn't know any secret tricks for
removal but she does try to hide her laughter from me. She wants to
know exactly where the wax is located, "Are we talking cheeks or
who-ha?"
She's laughing out loud by now...I can hear her. I give her the
rundown and she suggests I call the number on the side of the box.
YEAH!!!!! Right!! I should be the joke of someone else's night.
While we go through various solutions. I resort to scraping the wax
off with a razor. Nothing feels better then to have your girlie
goodies covered in hot wax, glued shut, stuck to the tub in super
hot water and then dry-shaving the sticky wax off!!
By now the brain is not working, dignity has taken a major hike and
I'm pretty sure I'm going to need Post-Traumatic Stress counseling for this event.My friend is still talking with me when I finally see my savinggrace . . . . The lotion they give you to remove the excess wax.
What do I really have to lose at this point?
I rub some on and OH MY GOD!!!!!!!
The scream probably woke the kids and scared the ****ens out of my
friend. It's sooo painful, I but I really don't care. "IT WORKS!!
It works!!"I get a hearty congratulation from my friend and she hangs up. I successfully remove the remainder of the wax and then notice to my
grief and despair . . . . THE HAIR IS STILL THERE . . . . ALL OF IT!!!! So I recklessly shave it off. Heck, I'm numb by now. Nothing hurts. I could have amputated my own leg at this point.Next week I'm going to try hair color . . . . . . Now that's funny
. . . . . . .Notttttttttt.