LA_MERC_Sabre
December 29th, 2005, 07:09 AM
As the holidays approach, my heartfelt appreciation goes out to all of
>>>you who have taken the time and trouble to send me "forwards" over the
>>>past 12 months.
>>>
>>>Thank you for making me feel safe, secure, blessed, and wealthy.
>>>Extra thanks to whoever sent me the one about rat crap in the glue on
>>>envelopes because I now have to go get a wet towel every time I need
>>>to seal an envelope.
>>>
>>>Also, I scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason.
>>>
>>>Because of your concern, I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can
>>>remove toilet stains.
>>>
>>>I no longer drink Pepsi or Dr Pepper since the people who make these
>>>products are atheists who refuse to put "Under God" on their cans.
>>>
>>>I no longer use Saran wrap in the microwave because it causes cancer.
>>>
>>>I no longer check the coin return on pay phones because I could be
>>>*****ed with a needle infected with AIDS.
>>>
>>>I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a
>>>water buffalo on a hot day.
>>>
>>>I no longer go to shopping malls because someone might drug me with a
>>>perfume sample and rob me.
>>>
>>>I no longer receive packages from nor send packages by UPS or FedEx
>>>since they are actually Al Qaeda in disguise.
>>>
>>>I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a
>>>number, for which I will get a phone bill with calls to Jamaica,
>>>Uganda, Singapore, and Uzbekistan.
>>>
>>>I no longer eat KFC because their "chickens" are actually horrible
>>>mutant freaks with no eyes or feathers. I no longer have any sneakers
>>>-- but that will change once I receive my free replacement pair from
Nike.
>>>
>>>I no longer have to buy expensive cookies from Neiman Marcus since I
>>>now have their recipe.
>>>
>>>I no longer worry about my soul because at last count I have 363,214
>>>angels looking out for me.
>>>
>>>Thanks to you, I have learned that God only answers my prayers if I
>>>forward an e-mail to seven of my friends and make a wish within five
>>>minutes.
>>>
>>>I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl who is
>>>about to die in the hospital (for the 1,387,258th time).
>>>
>>>I no longer have any money at all - but that will change once I
>>>receive the $15,000 that Microsoft and AOL are sending me for
>>>participating in their special email program.
>>>
>>>Yes, I want to thank you so much for looking out for me that I will
>>>now return the favor...
>>>
>>>If you don't send this e-mail to at least 144,000 people in the next
>>>7 minutes, a large pigeon with a wicked case of diarrhea will land on
>>>your head at 5:00 PM (CDT) this afternoon. I know this will occur
>>>because it actually happened to a friend of my next-door neighbor's
>>>ex-mother-in-law's second husband's cousin's beautician.
>>>
>>>Thank You & Happy Holidays!
>>>you who have taken the time and trouble to send me "forwards" over the
>>>past 12 months.
>>>
>>>Thank you for making me feel safe, secure, blessed, and wealthy.
>>>Extra thanks to whoever sent me the one about rat crap in the glue on
>>>envelopes because I now have to go get a wet towel every time I need
>>>to seal an envelope.
>>>
>>>Also, I scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason.
>>>
>>>Because of your concern, I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can
>>>remove toilet stains.
>>>
>>>I no longer drink Pepsi or Dr Pepper since the people who make these
>>>products are atheists who refuse to put "Under God" on their cans.
>>>
>>>I no longer use Saran wrap in the microwave because it causes cancer.
>>>
>>>I no longer check the coin return on pay phones because I could be
>>>*****ed with a needle infected with AIDS.
>>>
>>>I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a
>>>water buffalo on a hot day.
>>>
>>>I no longer go to shopping malls because someone might drug me with a
>>>perfume sample and rob me.
>>>
>>>I no longer receive packages from nor send packages by UPS or FedEx
>>>since they are actually Al Qaeda in disguise.
>>>
>>>I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a
>>>number, for which I will get a phone bill with calls to Jamaica,
>>>Uganda, Singapore, and Uzbekistan.
>>>
>>>I no longer eat KFC because their "chickens" are actually horrible
>>>mutant freaks with no eyes or feathers. I no longer have any sneakers
>>>-- but that will change once I receive my free replacement pair from
Nike.
>>>
>>>I no longer have to buy expensive cookies from Neiman Marcus since I
>>>now have their recipe.
>>>
>>>I no longer worry about my soul because at last count I have 363,214
>>>angels looking out for me.
>>>
>>>Thanks to you, I have learned that God only answers my prayers if I
>>>forward an e-mail to seven of my friends and make a wish within five
>>>minutes.
>>>
>>>I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl who is
>>>about to die in the hospital (for the 1,387,258th time).
>>>
>>>I no longer have any money at all - but that will change once I
>>>receive the $15,000 that Microsoft and AOL are sending me for
>>>participating in their special email program.
>>>
>>>Yes, I want to thank you so much for looking out for me that I will
>>>now return the favor...
>>>
>>>If you don't send this e-mail to at least 144,000 people in the next
>>>7 minutes, a large pigeon with a wicked case of diarrhea will land on
>>>your head at 5:00 PM (CDT) this afternoon. I know this will occur
>>>because it actually happened to a friend of my next-door neighbor's
>>>ex-mother-in-law's second husband's cousin's beautician.
>>>
>>>Thank You & Happy Holidays!