LA_MERC_goose
September 9th, 2005, 03:14 PM
I'm laughing so hard I am crying ... my sister forwarded this to me and I am in pain!
The things a woman will do!!!!
All hair removal methods have tricked women with their promises of easy,
painless removal -
The epilady, scissors, razors, Nair and now...the WAX!!
My night began as any other normal weeknight. Come home, fix dinner,
play with the kids. I then had the thought that would ring painfully in
my mind for the next few hours:
"Maybe I should pull the waxing kit out of the medicine cabinet." So I
headed to the site of my
demise: the bathroom. It was one of those "cold wax" kits. No melting a
clump of hot wax, you just rub the strips together in your hand, they
get warm and you peel them apart and press them to your leg (or wherever
else) and you pull the hair right off. No muss, no fuss.
How hard can it be? I mean, I'm not a genius, but I am mechanically
inclined enough to figure
this out. (YA THINK!?!) So I pull one of the thin strips out. Its two
strips facing each other
stuck together. Instead of rubbing them together, my genius kicks in so
I get out the hair dryer
and heat it to 1000 degrees. ("Cold wax," yeah...right!) I lay the strip
across my thigh.
Hold the skin around it tight and pull. It works! OK, so it wasn't the
best feeling, but it wasn't too bad. I can do this! Hair removal no
longer eludes me! I am She-rah, fighter of all wayward body hair and
maker of smooth skin extraordinaire.
With my next wax strip I move north. After checking on the kids, I sneak
back into the bathroom, for the ultimate hair fighting championship. I
drop my panties and place one foot on the toilet. Using the same
procedure, I apply the wax strip across the right side of my bikini
line, covering the right half of my ****** and stretching down to the
inside of my butt cheek (Yes, it was a long strip)
I inhale deeply and brace myself....RRRRIIIPPP!!!!
I'm blind!!! Blinded from pain!!!!....OH MY GOD!!!!!!!!! Vision
returning, I notice that I've only managed to pull off half the strip.
CRAP!!! Another deep breath and RRIIPP!! Everything is swirly and
spotted. I think I may pass out...must stay conscious...Do I hear
crashing drums???
Breathe, breathe...OK, back to normal. I want to see my trophy - a wax
covered strip,
the one that has caused me so much pain, with my hairy pelt sticking to
it. I want to revel in the glory that is my triumph over body hair. I
hold up the strip! There's no hair on it. Where is the hair??? WHERE IS
THE WAX???
Slowly I ease my head down, foot still perched on the toilet. I see the
hair.
The hair that should be on the strip. I touch. I am touching wax. CRAP!
I run my fingers
over the most sensitive part of my body, which is now covered in cold
wax and matted hair.
Then I make the next BIG mistake...remember my foot is still propped up
on the toilet?
I know I need to do something. So I put my foot down. DAMN!!!!!!!! I
hear the slamming of a
cell door. ******? Sealed shut! Butt?? Sealed shut!
I penguin walk around the bathroom trying to figure out what to do and
think to myself
"Please don't let me get the urge to poop. My head may pop off!" What
can I do to melt the wax? Hot water!! Hot water melts wax!! I'll run the
hottest water I can stand into the bathtub, get in,
immerse the wax-covered bits and the wax should melt and I can gently
wipe it off, right??? *WRONG!!!!!!!* I get in the tub - the water is
slightly hotter than that used to torture prisoners of war or sterilize
surgical equipment - I sit. Now, the only thing worse than having your
nether regions glued together, is having them glued together and then
glued to the bottom of the tub...in
scalding hot water. Which, by the way, doesn't melt cold wax. So, Now
I'm stuck to the bottom of the tub as though I had cement-epoxied myself
to the porcelain!! God bless the man who had convinced me a few months
ago to have a phone put in the bathroom!!!!!
I call my friend, thinking surely she has waxed before and has some
secret of how to get me undone. It's a very good conversation starter
"So, my butt and who-ha are glued together to the bottom of the tub!"
There is a slight pause. She doesn't know any secret tricks for removal
but she does try to hide her laughter from me. She wants to know exactly
where the wax is located, "Are we talking cheeks or hole or who-ha?"
She's laughing out loud by now...I can hear her. I give her the rundown
and she suggests I call the number on the side of the box. YEAH!!!!!
Right!! I should be the joke of someone else's night. While we go
through various solutions. I resort to scraping the wax off with a
razor. Nothing feels better then to have your girlie goodies covered in
hot wax, glued shut, stuck to the tub in super hot water and then
dry-shaving the sticky wax off!!
By now the brain is not working, dignity has taken a major hike and I'm
pretty sure I'm going to need Post-Traumatic Stress counseling for this
event. My friend is still talking with me when I finally see my saving
grace....the lotion they give you to remove the excess wax. What do I
really have to lose at this point? I rub some on and OH MY GOD!!!!!!!
The scream probably woke the kids and scared the ****ens out of my
friend. It's sooo painful,
l but I really don't care. "IT WORKS!! It works!!" I get a hearty
congratulation from my friend and she hangs up. I successfully remove
the remainder of the wax and then notice to my grief and despair....THE
HAIR IS STILL THERE.......ALL OF IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!. So I recklessly shave
it off. Heck, I'm numb by now. Nothing hurts. I could have amputated my
own leg at this point.
Next week I'm going to try hair color......
The things a woman will do!!!!
All hair removal methods have tricked women with their promises of easy,
painless removal -
The epilady, scissors, razors, Nair and now...the WAX!!
My night began as any other normal weeknight. Come home, fix dinner,
play with the kids. I then had the thought that would ring painfully in
my mind for the next few hours:
"Maybe I should pull the waxing kit out of the medicine cabinet." So I
headed to the site of my
demise: the bathroom. It was one of those "cold wax" kits. No melting a
clump of hot wax, you just rub the strips together in your hand, they
get warm and you peel them apart and press them to your leg (or wherever
else) and you pull the hair right off. No muss, no fuss.
How hard can it be? I mean, I'm not a genius, but I am mechanically
inclined enough to figure
this out. (YA THINK!?!) So I pull one of the thin strips out. Its two
strips facing each other
stuck together. Instead of rubbing them together, my genius kicks in so
I get out the hair dryer
and heat it to 1000 degrees. ("Cold wax," yeah...right!) I lay the strip
across my thigh.
Hold the skin around it tight and pull. It works! OK, so it wasn't the
best feeling, but it wasn't too bad. I can do this! Hair removal no
longer eludes me! I am She-rah, fighter of all wayward body hair and
maker of smooth skin extraordinaire.
With my next wax strip I move north. After checking on the kids, I sneak
back into the bathroom, for the ultimate hair fighting championship. I
drop my panties and place one foot on the toilet. Using the same
procedure, I apply the wax strip across the right side of my bikini
line, covering the right half of my ****** and stretching down to the
inside of my butt cheek (Yes, it was a long strip)
I inhale deeply and brace myself....RRRRIIIPPP!!!!
I'm blind!!! Blinded from pain!!!!....OH MY GOD!!!!!!!!! Vision
returning, I notice that I've only managed to pull off half the strip.
CRAP!!! Another deep breath and RRIIPP!! Everything is swirly and
spotted. I think I may pass out...must stay conscious...Do I hear
crashing drums???
Breathe, breathe...OK, back to normal. I want to see my trophy - a wax
covered strip,
the one that has caused me so much pain, with my hairy pelt sticking to
it. I want to revel in the glory that is my triumph over body hair. I
hold up the strip! There's no hair on it. Where is the hair??? WHERE IS
THE WAX???
Slowly I ease my head down, foot still perched on the toilet. I see the
hair.
The hair that should be on the strip. I touch. I am touching wax. CRAP!
I run my fingers
over the most sensitive part of my body, which is now covered in cold
wax and matted hair.
Then I make the next BIG mistake...remember my foot is still propped up
on the toilet?
I know I need to do something. So I put my foot down. DAMN!!!!!!!! I
hear the slamming of a
cell door. ******? Sealed shut! Butt?? Sealed shut!
I penguin walk around the bathroom trying to figure out what to do and
think to myself
"Please don't let me get the urge to poop. My head may pop off!" What
can I do to melt the wax? Hot water!! Hot water melts wax!! I'll run the
hottest water I can stand into the bathtub, get in,
immerse the wax-covered bits and the wax should melt and I can gently
wipe it off, right??? *WRONG!!!!!!!* I get in the tub - the water is
slightly hotter than that used to torture prisoners of war or sterilize
surgical equipment - I sit. Now, the only thing worse than having your
nether regions glued together, is having them glued together and then
glued to the bottom of the tub...in
scalding hot water. Which, by the way, doesn't melt cold wax. So, Now
I'm stuck to the bottom of the tub as though I had cement-epoxied myself
to the porcelain!! God bless the man who had convinced me a few months
ago to have a phone put in the bathroom!!!!!
I call my friend, thinking surely she has waxed before and has some
secret of how to get me undone. It's a very good conversation starter
"So, my butt and who-ha are glued together to the bottom of the tub!"
There is a slight pause. She doesn't know any secret tricks for removal
but she does try to hide her laughter from me. She wants to know exactly
where the wax is located, "Are we talking cheeks or hole or who-ha?"
She's laughing out loud by now...I can hear her. I give her the rundown
and she suggests I call the number on the side of the box. YEAH!!!!!
Right!! I should be the joke of someone else's night. While we go
through various solutions. I resort to scraping the wax off with a
razor. Nothing feels better then to have your girlie goodies covered in
hot wax, glued shut, stuck to the tub in super hot water and then
dry-shaving the sticky wax off!!
By now the brain is not working, dignity has taken a major hike and I'm
pretty sure I'm going to need Post-Traumatic Stress counseling for this
event. My friend is still talking with me when I finally see my saving
grace....the lotion they give you to remove the excess wax. What do I
really have to lose at this point? I rub some on and OH MY GOD!!!!!!!
The scream probably woke the kids and scared the ****ens out of my
friend. It's sooo painful,
l but I really don't care. "IT WORKS!! It works!!" I get a hearty
congratulation from my friend and she hangs up. I successfully remove
the remainder of the wax and then notice to my grief and despair....THE
HAIR IS STILL THERE.......ALL OF IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!. So I recklessly shave
it off. Heck, I'm numb by now. Nothing hurts. I could have amputated my
own leg at this point.
Next week I'm going to try hair color......