A ghost seeing Cat

[LA_MERC_BS]

Let me tell you guys what happened last night. It is still kind of freaking me out a little bit.

Every night I come home and go through the same ritual. I eat my well prepared home cooked dinner from McDonalds and tell the cat what all happened today. The cat’s name is Syble. Now Syble knows what roll I play in her day to day adventures. My job is to feed her, scratch her head and spank her when ever she is in the mood. Syble has some strange fetish with being spanked. When you start spanking she goes nuts. She crouches down on the couch, front claws come out about 3 inches and dig into the couch. She gets a strange look on her face and the sounds that come out of her mouth is a little creepy. Now if your thinking that she has a problem, then just image how stupid I look having to be the one giving her the spanking.
Well every night me and her play lets scratch the crap out of Jerry. One of her favorite games I might add. We start the game by me picking her up and sitting her on the edge of the bed. I then hold my hand in front of her while she tries to hook my hand with her claws.
Well last night I picked her up and sit her on the bed. All of the sudden she freaked out. She was looking at the other side of the bed while she started hissing. Her back was all bowed up and she was slowing backing up. Well I think it’s funny at first. I am standing behind her while all of this is going on. She starts looking all around the room and begins to freak out. Which is starting to freak me out a little bit too. I reach over to scratch her head. Using her Ninja Jedi skillz, she turns around whacks me two good times in the same hand. Cut me so deep that blood was dripping off my finger tips. She runs out of the bedroom and stands in the hallway still hissing at something in the room. Well I’m thinking that theres something in my bedroom that Syble can see, but I cant. So I’m thinking that she’s the meanest out of the two of us and she can see what ever is in the bedroom. So I do what any frightened man would do. I pick her up and throw her back onto the bed and holler “GET EM !!” I ran in behind her and closed to door as to keep what ever it is in the room from getting away form her. She starts going nuts. She is slowly backing toward me the whole time she is making these weird noises. As she passes the computer chair, she takes three good whacks at the height adjustment knob on the bottom of the chair. I’m at the door cheering her on the whole time, but I think she was just trying to work her way back to the door. She then sees a sock laying on the floor. She slowly walks by the sock and suddenly jumps about 3 feet into the air, turns around and looks back at the bed. I figured that was enough for me, I open the door and make a run for it. As I clear the hallway I notice that me and Syble are now trying to out run each other to the living room. Neither of us spoke about the incident the rest of the night. I slept on the couch, she slept under my room mates bed.

[LA_MERC_Diesel]

:laugh:
BS can definately rival Andy for Ole Uncle the storyteller at the family reunion.

[LA_MERC_Onji]

lmao! that was great.

[LA_MERC_LaTech]

omg man...I'm crying here...too funny

[LA_MERC_Drifter]

LMAO!!! OMG that is hilarious!! BWAHAHAHA!

[SnAkEbItE]

On a serious note, it's a scientificly proven facts that animals have the ability to sense things. Example what animals when a huge storm is comming they will get all crazy. They also have the ability to sense or "see" the paranormal this is also doccumented. So I belive you Jerry.

[LA_MERC_Dragonlady[s]]

I belive in things like this also.

It was Larry I tell you LARRY LEE!!!!!!!

Oh *for the ones that don't know* Syble was Larry's (Nforcer) cat before he died...

[LA_MERC_Diesel]

really!!!!...OMFG now I am spooked!!

[LA_MERC_BS]

Maybe I didn't mention that important fact.

I live in Larry's house with his cat. It's actually her house. I'm just there as a servant for her needs.

[LA_MERC_Temp]

She slowly walks by the sock and suddenly jumps about 3 feet into the air, turns around and looks back at the bed.

thats not strange. i think everybody would jump 3 feet if they got close enough to smell your socks, haha.

[LA_MERC_Andyconda]

Spooky stuff, but I've known a few cats that were like that. Let me try to regain the thrown for you Mike. You've probably heard this story but I know there are a few that have not. Many many moons ago I lived in Choudrant Louisiana while working in Monroe. I lived in a town house on Pine Hills Golf Course. I have had a female black lab named Ginny for almost 9 years now. While living there I would set the trash out in the back yard to keep it from smelling up the house. To give you some background my town house was on the back of Johnny's pizza. My back yard was a mere 8 foot by 4 foot patch of grass that Ginny used to take care of buisness. The yard was fenced in by a 6 foot privacy fence. Don't know why you would put a 6 foot privacy fence around a yard that small but they did. Any way I thought the trash was safe from vermin considering that its all concrete behind my house and Johnny's pizza. After about a year of living there I started having probems with something getting into the trash. Percular was the new neighbor had cats. Since I couldn't see any digging I assumed one of these cats was jumping the fence and getting into the trash. Well here's where is gets intersting. One night real late I hear Ginny at the back door with her nose in the crack and giving off an erie low grumble. It sounds so wierd the wife send me off to check it out. It went something like this. Candace "Andy, what's that noise" Andy (wipping slobber off his mouth, "Huh, what, I didn't do it, she said she was 18, what baby" Candace "Damn'it Andy something wrong listen to Ginny" Andy "You stupid dog, shut up", Candace "Go check it out", Andy "Why is it always the guy who has to check out strange noises" Candace "Casue your a stud and want to protect your family" Andy "Uh, Oh yeah, I got it baby, I don't know who you are you S.O.B, but I'm getting my damn gun you better high tail it" Candace "---giggles---". I round the bedroom corner to see Ginny ears perked hackles up and her giving off the meanest erie low rumbling growl. Instantly I think, Oh yeah I just put the trash out tonight, one of those damn cats is hard at it. The scenario goes through my head like this. I open the door, Ginny attacks, she kills or scares the cats into never coming back. Well, it didn't quite work out that way. I easily put one hand onthe door knob, I softly tell Ginny by wispering in her ear, KILL KILL KILL. I tear open the door and out she barrels barking and growling with great ferrosity. Its dark, I hear a hiss, then another wierd sound, Ginny wimpers (Could my big mean dog beeen gotten the worst of by a mere cat), Ginny bowls me over getting back into the house. I notice as she flys past she's foaming at the eyes and mouth badly. All of a sudden I find it hard to breath. My eyes water up instantly. Then I realize. She got a cat alright. A POLE CAT. I start yelling Oh my God my eyes, I run back to Candace who offers no help becuase she's laughing so hard at the hole event, I'm dieing on the bedroom floor trying to get my breath, My dog is running pampant around the house wimpering completly coverd in skunk piss. I'm yelling 911. Candace is laughing, I'm crying, Candae is laughing, I'm drinking water like a Camel, Candace is laughing...................................eventua lly I was able to breath and see. It took a month to get the smell out. That whole crap about tomatoe juice is a crock. Moral of the story is, Don't put you trash out in without a container. Uncle Andy is done with this story.

[LA_MERC_BS]

hahah Tewp you should see my second wear stack of socks




lol @ Andy....

Heres one for you. I was 18 and pretty jazzed up about a pizza hutt deliver job I got. I predicted an employment filled with low pay and wild adventures. I was scheduled to be at work at 4pm that evening. One of my best friends had been working there for about a year. He also had to be at work at 4. It being Friday, we decided to go Hydro-sliding all day on the river. Troy (friend) told me to just bring my work clothes and we’ll just leave from the river and go to work. Well I jumped into my car and began to change clothes and discovered that I had forgotten a clean pair of underwear. No matter, I was no stranger to running around loose pickle from time to time. I put on my gray pants and my red and white striped Official Pizza Hutt delivery shirt, start my voltswaggon bug and head to work. I get there and meet everyone. My co-workers are friendly and seem to have a good sense of humor. I was given a map, a glowing car sign and a stack of Pizza’s and off I went. After I come back from a run I would get a new bundle of pizzas and head out the door. Of course every time I walk by a few employees, they are giggling and snickering, probably because I’m the new guy. They are all going to make fun of me for a few weeks. The managers, both female, keep getting me to take clean salad bowls out to the salad bar. Of course every time I turn my back they are all laughing at me. H A HA oh yeah laugh at the new guy , look at me I’m new. Well at the end of the night I came in to clock out. The manger told me that I did a good job and to be back tomorrow at the same time. I said great I’ll see everyone tomorrow. As I turn to walk out the back door, the manager shouted to me “oh by the way, when you come back tomorrow be sure and wear UNDERWEAR............... omg what, how would she know that I didn’t have underwear on. I didn’t tell anyone, how could she know. I felt the blood leave my face as I frantically panic while pondering her x-ray vision possibilities. As I search for the answer in my mind, I reach back and grab my butt with both hands. My right hand grabs a hand full of gray jeans. My left hand grabs a hand full of naked butt. All of the sudden the blood rushed back into my face as I almost passed out. There was a 6 inch perfectly cut diamond tear in my pants which was exposing my bare butt. All the employees were crying and gasping for air because thats what they had been laughing at all night. Apparently a peace of exposed wire was hanging out of my pleather car seat which tear a whole in my pants as I was getting in and out of the car all night. All I could think was how many poeple did I see eating in the dining area that I waved to while I was putting 3 to 4 clean salad bowls out at a time. I would surely be the town joke for the next few months.
The moral to this story, always wear drawers or periodically check for wholes in your pants.

[LA_MERC_Diesel]

LMAO...Andy that story never gets old..
Jerry...loose pickle...:laugh:

[LA_MERC_Onji]

LMAO!! this thread is great. keep em coming guys haha

[LA_MERC_Andyconda]

Ok ok ok, Pretty good story, I especially like the loose pickle phrase. I've gone commando several times after leaving the river myself. SPeaking of which since your so close I love knee boarding and wake boarding but don't know anyone down here that does. While it's still warm lets go play on the river one day. But, back to stories. You obviously haven't realized you've locked horns with a bull. I'm going to take it to another level with this story.
Here we go,
I go out one night with my brother and two freinds to drink the night away. We go to the cotton gin in Alexandria Louisiana on a drinking with lincoln night. Before I know it I'm wasted. I pass out at the bar. During this time my brother informs me that the most beautiful woman in the world hits on me and I'm nothing but an arse to her and run her off. I'm not sure about that part, but what I do remeber about it is I came too and I'm the only one in the bar. I mean I'm the only one in the bar, no patrons, no bar tenders, no owner. I think oh no what happened. I try to walk to the door but soon realize crawling is the only way I can get any where. I crawl to the door and find the owner. He tells me that I shouldn't go outside. I mumble something that was no where near english and crawl past. Once outside I realize there's a group of people massed to the right and another group of people massed to the left with two people in the middle. I stop crawling long enough to see one of the two guys in the middle raise his hand like he's in kindergarden asking to go to the bathroom. The crowd replies "What" . This guy in the middle asks "Which group has the fewest amount of people" The group to the left says "we do" The guys in the middle say "Well, then we're with them". Then one of the largest knock down drag out fist fights insue. While this is happeneing I realize my truck is on the otherside of the brawl. Not having my wits about me I put my head down and crawl forward. Much like a scene from star wars where lasers are flying all over R2D2 as he stroll through the laser fight, I crawled throught the middle of the brawl without getting touched. I make it ot my truck and pull myself into it like a parapalegic. I wake up in the fetal position on the tool box in the back of my truck to the tap tap tap of Officer Jenkins. I slowly wake up and break the drool line attaching my lips to the tool bax and say "Sorry Officer can I help you". He asks me if I'm the owner of the truck I'm sleeping on. I look around and see it's my truck and say "yes sir" He replies do you know where your keys are. I pat my pockets and realize there not on me ans he says "I do" Falling right into it he says "In it", Starting to get kinda annoyed I ask and how do you know that, I think hoping he went into the truck without my permission so I could use that if he tried to give me a ticket. He calmly replied, becuase it's still running, "Ooooops" is all I can say. He tells me to step down. Its only then I realize the truck is at an angle. I scan the environment to realize I have parked my truck still running with the doors locked with me asleep on the back tool box on the steps of the local dollar cinema. I end up not getting a ticket but had to cll mom to come get me. Me telling you about my mom would make you realize what an adventure in itself that it (God rest her soul). I remeber when she got there she yelled threw me in the truck and when she went to close the door I had apparently thrown up in the door handle and she touched it trying to shut the door. I got my butt kicked for that one. You also have to realize my mom was the punching type. She hit you and made it count. Lol. I never get tired of telling that story.

[LA_MERC_Andyconda]

Oh yeah, one of the guys in the middle, WAS MY LITTLE BROTHER, lol

[LA_MERC_BS]

hahaha, yeah this is my vehicle, WHAT, a man can't take a nap on his own damn truck anymore? lol

I got one that I'm not really proud of, but never the less it was a terrifying experience for me.

My first year in law enforcement was one filled with mistakes and lessons learned the hard way. I was working night shift and had this girl come by the station to see me. She had a body that would bring tears to your eyes but she had a butter face. I had tried several times in high school to shop lift the booty from her, but she kept saying something about dating her or something like that.
Anyway, she came by to let me know she has decided to let me .....test drive with the option to buy. Now I am all about some test driving. I hardly ever buy though. She tells me that her currant live-in boyfriend is going to be off shore for a few days on sea trials. She told me to come by her house at midnight. I say “well alrighty then”. She gave me directions to her house, I had recalled seeing that particular house while patrolling in that area. Around midnight I drove to her house which was located right next to a private school. I parked my unit on the other side of the school and walked to her house, which was only about 40 yards away. She met me at the door and let me in. As soon as I walk in I see this 2 year old kid sitting on the couch watching TV. Now I’m a little freaked out, but still not deterred from my goal. I say “ok he is gone for the night, where is the back door?” She shows me the back door. You can actually see the back door while standing at the front door. I’m thinking in my mind, ok everything is cool, I’ve got a guy watching my beat just in case I get a call, I know where the exits are and my car is around the corner. She tells me to go into her bedroom and she’ll be there in a minute, she said something about changing into something else. I say “ well alrighty then”. I take my gun belt off (which can be a pain sometimes with all the attachments on it). I make sure all my belt keepers are fastened to the belt as to lot loose any. As anticipation grows I hear the sound of a very large truck with no muffler pull into the driveway. My heart stops for a moment. Whats this? The boyfriend is surely out to sea and I hope I was the only one test driving tonight. Could it be the neighbors? Was this a practical joke that my co-workers were playing on me (which happens a lot)? This will be very hard to explain to the Chief if I am caught test driving someone elses stuff while on duty. I grab my gun belt fly through the house toward the back door. I come around the corner sideways, where the 2 year old is still watching TV, like a dog on a kitchen floor. I make it to the back door, open it as quiet as possible and begin to ease out. As I am closing the door I see the front door open. I finish closing the door oh so quietly and sprint through the back yard replacing my gun belt to my waist. I made a critical error in parking my unit. The only way to get back to it was along side the house I just ran from. I round the corner and see the boyfriend standing outside the back door next to the garbage cans. He sees me and just stands there. I have no choice but to walk toward him. As I get closer the guy says “ is there a problem officer” (problem, umm yeah buddy I got problems) I pause and say “actually I got a call that there was kids in this area walking around breaking into cars. I parked my unit over there and got out on foot to try and walk up on them in the act. Have you seen any kids wandering around out here?” Next thing I see is Ms. “He’s out on sea trials” run out the back door and run toward us. She had no clue what had happened. She came out of the bathroom and I was gone and he was home. She runs up to us with this terrified look on her face as her boyfriend says “No actually I just got home. I didn’t see anyone walking around out here, but you let me catch one of those little @$&)#$ around my house, I put a bullet in their ass’s. I said “well I’m gonna drive down the road a little farther and check that area, if you see anything give us a call”. Lol, the guy says “yes sir I’ll do that. You know we really appreciate you guys keeping a watch out for this neighborhood” “sure thing, just give us a call if you need anything” I walk to my car, get in drive off and almost have a heart attack. The possibilities of what could have happened have haunted me to this day. That chick called the station several times in the next few days, but I never returned her phone calls. Oh no thank you ma am, I think I’m looking for a safer model and not quite as risky.

[LA_MERC_Heater]

Omg im laughing to hard it hurts...talk about funny stuff..

[the noxious]

ghost stories?
have you ever felt a hand on your shoulder, with no one around?
and to see a ghost hand in a picture.......
i see things man. i hear things. i think i am losing it.
bu something is definately going on.

as for going commando....driving 35 miles, soaking wet, on i20 heading back to ruston, commando, IS FUN!

[LA_MERC_MadMAX]

y'all are just weird...

[LA_MERC_Dirge]

Andy, tell them about the first deer you took...

[LA_MERC_BS]

lol, something tells me that this is not going to be one of those heart warming stories of a father and son on the sons first hunting trip.

[Iccey]

Now this is what i miss most about this place lol hehe

[LA_MERC_Andyconda]

OK, Robby. Per your request. Here's my bambi story. Growing up I did a lot of duck hunting. I never did well with deer hunting, I just didn't hae the patience. There were a lot squirrels in the area so I did hunt them from time to time. One year I decide to give a go at it. Still not doing well half way into the season I decide to kill two birds with one stone. Here's my logic. It's deer season and squirrel season. I'm using a 12 guage winchester pump. I decide to squirrel hunt with 4 shot in the chamber and in the first reload pump but to leave the third shot as buck shot in case I walk up on a deer. Sounds good right. Well for a few days it does. Occasinally I see a a squirell and sneak up and shoot it. Always carefull to reload the right way, as many of you gun enthusiasts know your third shell loaded is actually the one you pump in for your second shot so I load by putting in 4 shot in the pump (so its now loaded in the chamber) the buck shot pushed in further by anohter 4 shot. So if I see a deer its pump, pump, shoot. Well one morning I'm walking through the woods mainly looking up at the trees. Sure enough I walk up on a small deer (A say small as I later found out that it had spots on it, LOL, Ooops). It waits until I get 3 feet away before springing to life and hi tailing it away. It scares the hell out of me. I scream like a woman, throwing the gun in one direction and leaping in another. As I hit the ground I realize, "It's A DEER!" Crap, I threw my gun. The grass is 3 feet high so I crawl over feeling for the gun. My heart is racing. I find the gun. I stand up and survey the area. The Deer has stopped at about 50 yards aways looking back at me. I ease the gun up. I draw a bead on her. I pull the trigger, CLICK CLICK, crap the safety is on. I click off teh safety and she's still eye balling me. Take bead one more time, BOOM, she drops, I scream, I start running towards the kill, yalling the entire way. I got one, I got one, I got one. In my haste, I lost everything. Unlike you police belt, I didn't have nice straps to hold everything down. Just pockets and string. In teh run to the kill I loose my knife, all my spare shells, and even my compass (Which turns out to hurt me badly). I come upon my kill, but she's not dead. One lucky buckshot had clippered back bone. She's laying on the ground looking at me wide eyed, blateing loudly. I realize how'm I gonna kill her. No shells, I shucked the 2 4 shot I had and teh rest where somewhere in tall grass in the last 50 yards. No knife, I decide to bludgen her with my stock. 10 or so good hits and she's still kicking. It's then I decide to strangle her. I mount up on the kicking and screaming deer and proceed to choke it to death via my own bare hands. After surcoming I have to carry this deer, lost with no compass one mile back, (ended up being more like 2 with all the zig zagging) to the truck. I will say the samll fawn was damn good eats though, backstrap especially. This story is funnier in person with my sound effects and re enactment. I'll show you at the LAN.

[MindWerks]

LOL Andy... sounds like you were torturing that poor deer. So did he break and tell you where his 10 pt daddy was? http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v246/mindwerks/emotes/sillyface.gif


My first deer wasn't as bad but had some similar traits. I never had all the fancy thermal clothes whenever I went deer hunting so I'd always be freazing my buttocks off waiting for some stupid deer. Well after 6 hours of not seeing anything and feeling miserably cold I figured I would walk around and try to sneakup on on. So I start walking (oddly enough back to camp :) ) and after taking about 100 steps I spot a deer about 50 yards out. I bring up my 308 carbine rifle and TRY to put a good bead on it, but I'm sooooo dang cold that I couldn't hold the crosshairs still from my body shaking. I ended up hitting'em in the spine right behind the shoulders. He didn't live very long though as the rifle did enough damage to kill it in short order. Mine turned out to be a button buck, maybe 2 seasons old.

It was pretty good tasting as well. :)

[LA_MERC_BS]

hahah
When Andy got to the part about butt stroking the deer 10 times in the head with his gun, I immediately thought of the movie “Funny Farm” when Chevy Chase was in the boat and was going to try and knock the guy out that had a fish hook in his mouth.

[LA_MERC_Andyconda]

Well, I won't even let Jerry breathe and I'm dropping the A-bomb.
In college I went out drinking with the guys. Late that night I run out of money and end up with some guys and girls from Tioga Louisisna. We go out to the cars in the bar parking lot and drink beer out of the coolers in the back of everyone's pickup trucks. We end up drinking all the beer and as we decide to go for more one guy pipes up and says he has some shroom tea, who game. I remeber sitting in the back of Yukon with a few guys and girls and I do remerber drinking 2 little cups. Now I say I came too, because I didn't wake up as I was walking down the side of the road. I was completely naked. I was walkng down the side of the road and someone going by blowing there horn made me come too. I realize that I'm naked and walk to the nearest gas station. Now I'll remeber this till the day I die but I walk up to the counter and this is the conversation I had with the attendant at about 7:30 in the a.m.

Attendant "Uh, can I help you"
Me "Yeah, Uh, where am I"
with a wierd glare and a serious tone --> Attendant "Earth"
Me "I got that much, can you be a little more specific"
Attendant "Louisiana"
Me "Good, I'm not too far from home, what town"
Attendent "Olla"
Me "Crap, that's an hour and half away"
Attendant "You alright"
Me "Can I use your phone"
Attendant "Ok"

I call my big brother and tell him "Hey Bro, it's Andy, grab me a set of clothes and get to the Exxon station in Olla, Pronto"
Brother "I'm on it"
I then had to wait in the corner of the gas station Naked for an hour till me brother got there. Strange thing is the attendant and the patrons just went on like I wasn't there until my brother got there. That was probably the longest hour of my life.

[LA_MERC_BS]

hahaha, poor attendant probably understood.

Your a hard one to out do, I didn't expect two good ones that quickly. Heres one and I'll have another this evening, work permitting.

I have one more Pizza Hutt story for ya. After about a year, I finally got past my naked butt incident. I was still delivering Pizza’s some but I was mainly a cook at this point. I worked night shift, but from time to time I worked mornings. Mornings are very different. You come in at 7:30 or 8:00 am. From that time till 10:30 you just make pan pizza doe. This stuff has to be made early in the morning because it takes several hours to rise and cure. Well I’m the only one in the store and I’m making pan doe with the radio wide open. I’ve got my uniform on, but the shirt is all untucked and I think I was barefooted. Well I’m having a blast. Dancing around in the kitchen throwing doe into the air like I was some kind of expert. Well I cock a butt cheek up and let out a fart. Turns out , I SHARTED all over myself. I dropped the doe in the floor and took a few steps back. I stood there for a second with my legs all bowed out thinking, OMG how did this happen? I do a side to side bow-legged hobble from the kitchen to the bathroom in an attempt to keep the shart in the same position that it landed in. I make it to the bathroom and slowly peel my pants off thinking that I had only destroyed my under. Nope, no such luck. I might as well not even had underwear on. Pants were out of commission too. Now I get my booty all cleaned up, thx to those heavy duty brown hand napkins in the bathroom (this was not a job for soft and white, I needed the heavy duty stuff for my heavy doody). Now My butt is all baby fresh, but I am naked, except for my stylish red and white striped shirt. I look out the bathroom door and make sure no one is looking through the windows of the LOCKED Pizza Hutt. No one around, I make a run for it. It’s a fast loose pickle sprint to the back. My plan is to get to the back and find something I could use as an ass wrap. I get back there and find a big black garbage bag. I cut the bottom out of the bag and climb inside. I use the yellow tie string as a belt. I now am wearing a hefty kilt. The problem is, if the doe is not made, Pizza Hutt will not have Pan Pizzas for sale that day and I would be fired for sure. So wearing my hefty kilt, I resume pan doe making in the kitchen until.... manager comes through the back door earlier than I had expected. As she stands there starring at me, I wonder exactly what is running through her mind. After a few seconds of silence she asks me what the hell am I doing. I tell her what happened and that I had to borrow two hefty garbage bags. One for my shart pants and one for my kilt. I am told to finish the doe, go home and get clothes and come back.. This was not really what I had in mind, I was thinking more of me just going home for the day. Well I finish the doe and walk to the back door where my car is usually parked, but not today, oh no not today. Of all days to change a normal routine, it had to be today. Why oh why today. I was forced to run across the parking lot barefooted wearing a hefty kilt carrying a shart bag to my car which seems to be parked a few miles away. I made it to the car, go home, changed clothes, got back to work and finished the day.
That was the first time I had ever experienced sharting first hand and I am here to tell you that it is very real and evil. You will never see it coming when it happens to you. To this day I always have a pair of spare shorts or something in my car just in case.

[LA_MERC_Diesel]

crying...must breath...stories are evil......Are you ready for some LAN!!!
:laugh:

[LA_MERC_Andyconda]

Damn Jerry. That's pretty good. But you failed to realize that I'm not left handed (You'll have to watch the movie "The Princess Bride" to really enjoy that one. It's a damn good movie too. I'm going down swinging.
This happened only a mere year or so ago. I'm down in New Orleans partying it up really big with Dirge, Yankee, Spark, Shadow, Diesel, and more. I was staying with Dirge who at the time lived down town right off of Carrolton. Somehow I ended up crashing at Yankee's house which is only 3 or 4 blocks down from Dirge's. It's really early and I'm really hung over. Reed's dog Timber wakes me up licking me in the face and Reed's wife's dog Matie is jumping on me. Well that instantly makes me have to go sit on the thrown. I rush to the toilet as its a good one. The turtle head is poking before I even get to the bathroom door. I drop my pants and start to let the turtle free. It gets a good 2 to 3 inches out before I slam on the brakes "HOLD EVERYTHING" No TP. I hectily scramble through Reeds bathroom that is literally 2 ft by 3 ft big, NO TP. I hold turd position and duck walk out into kitchen to get some napkins or paper towels. No luck, he's running low on everyhting. Then I have the brilliant idea that, hey Robby lives just 3 or 4 blocks over, it's early. I unmount one leg and start a long ........long...........long.........duck walk with pants dragging, turtle head a poking over to Robby's house. I pass joggers that are giving me that, dude your screwed up look, grandma's getting there early papers, dropping there jaws and running back inside, (I'm sure to call the police), and people driving by Honking there horns really loud to draw attention to me (Thanks guys). I get there nad have to pound on his door becuase Robby is not amorning person. The stripper that lived above Robby comes down while I'm at the Door and says "Now I've seen it all", which to me was kinda a compliment since she seemed to be the "Wordly" type. Robby answers the door. "WTF are you doing Andy" Outta the way Peck is all I can muster as I rush by to use teh head. I know your pain and my duck walk of fame was almsot a quarter mile.
I feel like a heavy weight boxer going into the fifth round. Your good Jerry, Oh your good, But I am king. Respect my authoriti

[LA_MERC_Diesel]

:laugh:
tha t and Jerry's are the two most disgusting stories ever shared on this forum...lol
(insert Werk's smilie)

[the noxious]

here's a drunk story.
it's a short one.

i got really drunk one birthday, and my friends decide to bring me to Waffle House. Well, it was only my second time being realllly drunk. 7 big shots of uncle jack got me pretty bad. So I am sitting there, playing with the salt shaker, it was fun!!! So then A cop walks in just staring at me. My friends are like "oh god, let brandon be good......."
Then I lean over and try to whisper, "IT"S A COP!!!!!!!!!!" . I didnt whisper it. In fact, half the place looked over at us...

[LA_MERC_BS]

hahahaha thats funny. I'm not sure I have anything that can beat that one. With all the stupid crap thats happened to me I'm sure theres something that I'm forgetting. Man i thought surely I'd win this, but it looks like I may be on the ropes. This story is not going to beat that, but its on the same topic..

All weekend drinking fest at the sand bar. This meant that we started Friday night drinking on the river and didn’t get back home till Sunday evening. Well come Sunday morning the sand bar was filling up with hot chicks. We were drinking and were starting to get a little roudy. I saw a buddy of mine in the water about waist deep drinking beer. I walked out to shoot the bull. Well as we were there enjoying cold beer, which happens to be my favorite type of beer, I noticed that I had to drop a stinky load. I told my buddy of my problems and being a wise man, he told me to just walk out in the water till I was stomach deep and push that puppy out. Sounded like a good idea. So thats what I did. Of course he got up stream from me and continued to enjoy his beer and cheer me on. As my turd has about half way out, here comes a couple of girls on their way out to talk to us. So I hunker down and shift gears on the turd tube. Shot that baby out like a tater gun. Well I pull my pants up real quick because the chicks were getting closer. My buddy hands me my beer back and says “OH ^#$%^ !!!! look behind you. I turn around and my big ole turd was floating behind me. It even hit me in the arm as I turned around. It was a big one too. OH GOD!!! The girls were coming, there was people all over the sand bar, the girls would surely scream and holler that I was taking a dookie in the river and embarrass me. Without hesitation, I grab the turd log with my hand and run it to the bottom where I put my foot on top of it. My buddy throws up after seeing this. The girls aren’t coming anywhere near the throw up and decide to go back to the sand bar to laugh at my buddy instead me and my crap hand. I still can’t believe that thing floated . It was huge. It had to weighed 5 pounds. When the coast was clear I let the turd go walked to shallower ground, where I used the sand to clean my hand and foot and THROW UP, off me. It turned out to be a pretty good day after all

[LA_MERC_Temp]

aight, after reading BS's last story, everybody in the office is wondering why i'm crying and laughing my ass off, haha.

i must bow down to my hero.....BS. i'm not worthy....i'm not worthy.

[LA_MERC_Dragonlady[s]]

Dang Jerry that was just nasty!!!! :dung :bigfart

[LA_MERC_Dirge]

Andy, you forgot about your "special delivery" in the sink while finishing off your turtle head...

[Iccey]

OMG this keep them commin this is funny i havent laufed this hard in a loooooong time HA HA HA HA HA ( and yes i still cant spell lol )

[LA_MERC_Drifter]

LMAO!!!! OMG Jerry Stop It!!! I am going to die of laughter!!!

[LA_MERC_Andyconda]

Wholy cow. Just when you think you have some one down and out they catch you off guard with a mean upper cut. I'm dazed. And I'll have to admit, this has turned out to be a real knock down drag out. I did leave out the part that while I was at Robby's house releasing the turtle I had to hurl but didn't want to leave the thrown so I leaned over and used the sink. Bad thing was it was real chunky so it didn't wash down. Sorry Robby. In fact, I think you posted that Robby a while back. See if you can find that pic. Ok, Lets so if I can get up from the standing 8 count Jerry put me in with that last one.
This is one my wife really loves, probably her favorite. This may be my trump card. Left hook time Jerry. A little south paw action.
Where I went to high school in central Louisiana the local movie theatre was the cinema 6. Now I like to sit in the middle of the row on the very back. This was no kids are kicking my seat and I like this view better. So every time I take my wife to the movie we go to my spot. In this theatre the back wall is 3 to 4 feet from the back seat. As I get to College they build a new Tinsel town and my favorite spot on the back row is great, but in this theatre the back wall is right behind the back row. For 5 years I take my wife here. I grow very accostumed to its layout. Well after a few years were back home visiting our parents. They agree to watch the kid to let us have a movie night. When we get there my spot is open BUT there is a very very very large woman on the end of the row. Candace says lets go around and come back up on the other side. I say no we can make it over this lady. Now the previews have started so it's dark. It's a 7:00 show so it was sunny outside and my eyes have not accilmated at all. My plan is to stratle each leg of this large lady one at a time to get past. I make eye contact with the lady and when she looks back I acknowledge my intent with a quick head jester, she nods back. I step my right leg over her left leg. As I go to bring my left leg along to step inside her and then proceed to put my right leg past her I loose my balance. I think to myself, this isn't a problem. I'm very tall and I'll just support myself on the back wall to get past her. I extend my right arm out and start to reach for the back wall. Little did I remeber that this theatre was the one where the back wall was 3 to 4 feet from the back row. (Yes I could have walked behind the lady to the other side and come in from the other end, but like I said ti was dark). I ended up falling face first like a great red wood cut down in the forest right on top of this lady. My face plants right on hers. I knock her glass to an angle. The lady says nothing. Candace starts howling like a wolf in pure laughter. To make things worse the lady is so big I can't get off of her without touching her breasts. As I struggle to get off of her kinda like a dolphin caught in a tuna net Candace starts crying with extreme laughter. As I finally get off, very frustrated I yank Candace past the woman. She laughs for 15 minutes and the crowd is really pissed. The funny thing is the woman never said a word through the entire ordeal.

[LA_MERC_Diesel]

oh yeah 6'4" of twisted steel and sex appeal!!!
Casanova....

[LA_MERC_Andyconda]

Mike, You messed it up, don't forget the word Pure. Without it you totally change the saying It goes liek this

I'm 6'4" of twisted steel and pure sex appeal.

[LA_MERC_Andyconda]

I can't help it. After the U.S.S. Stool story I think I need to add another one. I think the only way I'll get you is to keep the combos coming. Here the story about my two front teeth.
One year in college I'm told about a money making scheme for beer money. Dirge is a member of the campus student union at Louisiana Tech. He informs me that the student union is putting on an obstacle course and that the student with the best time gets 50 dollars. Dirge realizes like Mike mentioned that I'm 6'4" of twisted steel and pure sex appeal. At the time me, Dirge, Diesel, and more played basketball a minimum of 3 hours each day in the intramural center. On top of that I was on the Tech Rugby team. Robby says Andy, Your athletic, tall, fast, man a shoe in for that. Think of the beer we could buy, we might even be able to get a keg. I'm immediately sold. The day of the contest I get plenty of sleep. I eat a good breakfast. I do some early stretchs and head down to the plaza outside the main student center. Sure enough there is an elaborate obstacle course. I find Robby in the crowd. He sees me and immediately gets this look in his eyes like a guy at the horse track who just saw his winning horse. And funny to, becuase Mike called me the horse in college becuase he always said I had the endurance of a horse. We would play 3 hours straight of basketball and I would be first down court offense and defense the entire time. Well Robby approaches me and says alright buddy. This black guy went about 30 minutes ago and has set a damn good time. He was on the football team or something and Robby said i had my work cut out for me. No problem buddy, I got it. I stand there and stretch and watch a few goof balls go through the course I survey the entire thing to see where I could shave seconds. One immediate obstacles where I thought I could gain a great deal of time was this rolling tube. They had a steel tube about 10 feet long and about 3 feet in diameter on rollers. I would see people get in and try to crawl through and it would roll side to side messing them up and taking time away. I immediatelly decide that when I get to this one I will perform a run squat leap maneuver to jump as far though the tube (hopefully all the way through) to make up good time. My turn comes up. The official say GO. Boom, I'm out of the gate like rocket. I realize that half way through the track my long sleak physique is to my advantage. I soar like an eagle though the maze of flying objects, Wall, rings, you name it. I'm making damn good time. I'm figging, zagging, leaping, rolling, spinning, running, jumping. I appraoch the rolling tube. I perform my run, squat, leap manuever flawlessly, .................................................. ..LIGHTS OUT. I don't remeber what happened next. My next image is Robby standing over me with a good friend named Jason, wiping blood off my face. I remeber gurgling on my own blood like some gut shot soldier laying on the battlefield. I mumble what happened. I could tell from the look on their faces it wasn't pretty. They ask if I'm alright. I mutter back. Yabba Dabba Do. The funny thing to me at this point is my dynamics proffesor at that exact point intime walks by, looks down at me, and says, "Test tomorrow Andy". Robby says, get the man to the ER. Jason takes me to the ER where I get 12 stiches to lip and inner mouth before being sent to teh dentist to cap my two front teeth that we chipped in the middle. Later that day I go back to the obstacle course whre I'm told that I jumped into the tube perfectly. The problem is that right in the middle of the tube is a steel crossbar that forces you to crawl to one side or the other and hence make the tube roll and messes you up. My recon was flawed. That detail was not in my flight plan. They say I leaped right into the tube and all of a sudden my feet stopped. They hung out the end of the tube, a pause, a little quiver, and Good Night Andy. I had caught the cross bar right across the middle of my face, ouch my teeth. What hurt most is I know I would have had the best time and 50 dollars worth of beer.

[LA_MERC_Diesel]

MA TEEF!!!

LMAO
:laugh:
Do not feel bad guys if you are like me and say, "I have not had this much adventure in a lifetime...much less an afternoon, like Uber and Doober have had."
:laugh:

[LA_MERC_Dirge]

heh... T-minus 8:30 hours until we hook up again. Who knows what stories will come out of this weekend? Just imagine, some beer, cat-5 wire, -49 VDC, 150' of coax, a 20' lightning rod... some more beer... golf clubs... some more beer...

[LA_MERC_Andyconda]

Yeah I have to admit I have done a lot. With my Dad being in the Navy and moving every 2 to 4 years I have been a lot places, seen a lot of things, and done things people wouldn't believe. My great stories I can only tell select few trusted people. Some stories I can't tell because legal concerns. To give you a taste of some of the crazy stories try this one out. Back in High School before I started dating Candace I was dating an old girl from Baton Rouge. One weekend while visiting her we're out with some of her college friends. The girls get off on a tangent on how they like spontaneous adventurous guys. Being the half witted genious I am and the fact I like to ham it up in front of the ladies I come up with this plan. We're driving around in an 86 mustang. Driving through sub divisions. I tell the girls that I plan to have them stop in front of a house of their choice. I would then get out, run up to the house and check the front door, if unlocked, I would run through the house out the back door. They were to drive around and pick me up on the back street. I ended up doing it like 6 times. The few college guys chickened out on the first trip. When we meet up at the LAN I'll tell you about some of the run throughs. It amazes me to this day how I didn't get shot. I look back on some of the stuf I did and wonder what the good man above has planned for me becasue I sure seem to be pushing my luck. I think the funiest thing that night. Now keep in mind I was young and drugs were involved but while passing this very nice looking truck that was beautiful but had crappy rims and tires deicded to swap out rims and tires with the truck next to it that was ugly but had good looking rims and tires. I jump out of the mustang and in the strip mall parking lot take about 20 minutes swapping out the rims and tires with a small POS jack and a stump, and a tire iron. It was a nice truck when I finished.
Lol, Boys and Girls do not attempt any of these stunts as I'm a trained (Ok, maybe just lucky) proffesional.

[Iccey]

HA HA I cant wait to hear this stories lmao we need to have a Andy and BS story hour lol

[LA_MERC_Andyconda]

Jerry, you've been quiet buddy. I didn't scare you off with those last few huh. I'm really a nice guy, I promise. Muh ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[LA_MERC_BS]

hahaha, I'm coming back in. I have been off line all weekend and Monday is always busy due to over the weekend crime. I've got to tell you though, I'm hanging on the ropes right now. I'm trying desperatly to pull myself up. I've got some good ones, but I dont think they'll beat those. Seems like I'm forgetting about a grand daddy of a story, but I cant remember what it could have been.

[LA_MERC_Andyconda]

Yeah, it's been one hell of a duel. I doug deep into my repetuare (spelling). I have a doozy still stored away that I'm hoping I don't have to use it. Lets just lick our wounds and go get a beer.

[LA_MERC_BS]

It is with great regret that I , BS, am forced to concede to my opponent Mr.Andyconda ,in the first round of Uncle Andy’s Story Telling Time. I would like to congratulate Mr. Andyconda in defending his title as champion story teller and for running a good clean race. The distinguished gentleman proved his story telling ability time and time again throughout his campaign. I would also like to thank all my supporters, my staff and all the aids that put so much time into this race. Without your help we would have never gotten this far. I will once again seek your assistance in the future when round two of Uncle Andy’s Story Telling Time begins where I will once again challenge Mr. Andyconda for his seat.

[LA_MERC_Dragonlady[s]]

LOL goodness.... :survivor1 :tribe :owned

[LA_MERC_Dirge]

c'mon Jerry, you HAVE GOT TO GET Andy to play his ace card... Come up with SOMETHING!

[LA_MERC_Cowboy_From_Hell]

Maybe I didn't mention that important fact.

I live in Larry's house with his cat. It's actually her house. I'm just there as a servant for her needs.

WTF!?!?!

YEAH, THAST KIND OF AN IMPORTANT PART OF THE STORY YOU TARD....

:e2

[LA_MERC_Andyconda]

Zip it Robby. That story will only be told under the most extreme of circumstances. Jerry, it was a long hard fight to which I'm proud I'm proud to have been a part of. Its a breath of fresh air to finally be listening to some good stories rather than telling them all. I especially like your U.S.S. Stool story, very funny. The heafty sack under wear was a good one too. Story Time II will be fun.

[LA_MERC_Diesel]

BS is the Knockout puncher...those stories are unreal.
Andy has the jabs and combos...he is relentless w/ a jaw of steel.

[LA_MERC_BS]

Oh no all that stuff really happened to me. Thats whats so sad about it all. I'll try to put another one out there just to draw Andy out of his story, but I think I've used all my best stuff.

[LA_MERC_BS]

I've got a lot more stories, but they are not suitable for the forums. I'll pull out some of my work related stories. I've got a bunch of that stuff.

[LA_MERC_Andyconda]

Same here Jerry. The sad part is all that stuff actually happened to me as well. It's under a lot of distress but I will go ahead and tell my story. This actually happened a mere month ago. I was back home in central Louisiana visiting my little brother and a bunch of high school buddies. We intended to BBQ at Dan's house and drink and play poker all night. Late in the afternoon my brother Adrian comes over with another 3 high school buddies. After a lot of drinking one of the guys Boswine says he has to go to work. We inquire and he tells us he is now the lead bouncer at a bar named Slackers in Alexandria. Well now knowing we have an inside guy we decide to go visit him while he's working. After he's gone an hour or so the whole gang loads up and off to town we go. We get to the bar to find out it's loaded with people. Problem its almost entirely guys. "It's a damn sword fest" This is because it's a bikini contest night. That's right the bar is having a bikini contest. Well when we walk in they give out numbers too you. This is for the door prizes they're calling out every 15 minutes. Our group gets numbers 399 through 416. Yeap, you guessed it. For the next 2 hours mysteriously the winning numbers are between 399 and 416 since Boswine is the one running the prizes. We win hats, shirts, coozies, free drinks etc. Well there ends up being only 4 girls entering the contest. One of which was really hot and totally out of place in this bar. I ask about the contest prizes to find out they are 250,200,150,and 100 dollars for 1st,2nd,3rd,and 4th. It doesn't take a genius to realize all 4 girls are going to win. Now in my infinite wisdom I realize that even 4th place is 100 dollars (and that my fine friends is a lot of beer money). I decide to enter. I tell te owner I want in. She laughs and says NO. Well Trevor is now a criminal lawyer and pipes up that discrimination. He spouts out some really important sounding lawyer jargon and we insist. She asks where's my bikini. No pictures were taken but I'll try my best to describe this for you. Imagine me. Then imagine I have on a t-shirt that is pulled up and tucked around in the middle to look like a bikini top. I have on flip flops. Russ gives me his cowboy hat, and I drop my pants and have on my tightly whities. I prance up on stage with reckless abandon. The crowd laughs very VERY hard. I line up next to the 4 girls on stage. I made sure I stood next to the really hot one. I didn't realize that these girls were working girls and that they had gotten with the DJ to set up there dance. The music starts and each girl does a routine. I'm flying by the seat of my pants (I mean Skivies) so when the 4th girl is finished Boswine tries to pass me up but Oh no, I will not be denied. I motion to the DJ to go with it. He picks a sort of techno beat and Oh yes. I bust out the ROBOT. So there I am, On stage, the lights are going, music blaring. I'm in a cowboy hat, rolled up t-shirt, underwear, and flip flops doing the robot. I bust a few other moves. The owner comes up on stage and proceeds to tell me that one of my boys is making a break for it. Oooops, I tuck him back in and line back up. The winners are decided by crowd noise. They go through the girls and the crowd cheers pretty good. But when it came to me, they almost brought the house down. The DJ was yelling the stage was rattling. The owner said the girls were mad so she wanted to give the girls the prizes but said she would let me drink free all night long. So yes, You are looking at the Mrs Slackers 2005 bikini contest winner. Like I said, there are picture. My little brother Adrian had his damn camera phone. Several people told me it was the funniest thing they had ever seen in there life. I have to admit. I laugh damn hard when I think about it. Most of those guys told me that was setting the bar higher than was ever obtainable. I hate to use my ace card but that was a funny story. Again it happened a mere month ago.

[LA_MERC_Diesel]

:laugh:

it still does not some close to the LOL U.S.S. Stool story(the funniest thing I ever read on these forums)...which makes my belly chucle just thinking about it...but it is definately a classic.

[LA_MERC_Andyconda]

When you see the pictures I bet you'll change your mind.

[LA_MERC_Dirge]

I can't get the mental images flushed out of my head!

brainconfig /flushimg

[LA_MERC_Diesel]

....get the plunger...no your story is great and would be much more pleasent to watch...er...well it would not be as bad...but the U.S.S. Stool still makes me laugh/vomit.

They were all good...like I said Jerry is the big puncher...but you have the jabs and combos to keep him off his feet...lol

[LA_MERC_Andyconda]

Well if its the toilet humor that gets you, try this one. I've got some big ones of that too. Back in college its a Saturday night. The usual crew is headed out to Funroe for a night on the town. This consists of me, Robby, Adrian (my little brother a.k.a. [WFO]UserOfIllusion, Jason (a.k.a. Jew -- funny too because he's not really jewish, but thats another story) and a few more. We're out drinking hard. At the end of the night we load up to come home. Inroute to Ruston we have to pee. Adrian simply pulls over on the interstate. About 4 of us climb the side of the interstae, becuase on I-20 there a good 40 foot slope to the tree line. I'm long legged so I make it to the tree line. Jew is a short stature guy and only makes it about 2/3rd's the way up. Being the jokester that my brother is he decides to take off. Hearing the truck go into gear, I think there's probably enough time to get to the truck before traffic clears and gives him a chance to leave he pee'ers. Becuase Adrian will leave us, not come back, and sleep well. Well in order to do this since I'm not done peeing and we all know you can't cut it off in mid stream, I decide that I will turn and run down the hill and finish and the downslope. Only problem is I didn't realize Jew was directly below me. WATCH OUT I yell, cause I can't cut it off in midstream. So dumb tard Jew only made it 2/3 the way up the hill but decided to go right below me (HELLO, it runs down hill), Well, like I said he's short in stature so with his little feable stumps for legs he has no chance of getting out of the way before a fire hydrant size stream nails him right across the face. He goes down like someone threw hydrocloric acid on him. Well, me being the good buddy like I am I simply step on him in my effort to catch Adrian. Luckily by this time Robby had already made it to the back of the truck and had his hands on the handles of theice chest (indicating to Adrian that if he took off it would be without the beer) Crisis avoided. Except for Jew who had to be carried back to the truck like he had his legs blown off by artillery. He whined all the way back saying "I can't believe you hosed me down." I could only reply "It stings if I cut it off"

[LA_MERC_Dirge]

LMAO I had forgotten about that one! OMFG

[LA_MERC_Diesel]

LMAO...you hoser!!
still just a mear Jab to the U.S.S. Stool

/me whispers/ everytime I say that phrase Andy comes back with another story.
he has his cake ...is eating it...and has ordered seconds.. :p:

[LA_MERC_Heater]

Man i dont think i have ever laughed this hard....Jerry`s storys killed me,but Andy is still the King..
Bow to the King baby... :notworthy :drunk1

[LA_MERC_Andyconda]

Thanks Heater. Mike seems to be very Anal. I guess I'll have to pull out some turd stories to get his approval.

[LA_MERC_Diesel]

:stick
I said you are the king...do not get you panties...er..bikini in a wad :p:
I just said the U.S.S. stool is the king of stories, you are still the king of
Unle Andy's Storytime
At the LAN we can have a...erm...an....Unedited Story-Off to crown an
Old Dirty Uncle Andy Storytime champ

[LA_MERC_Diesel]

Secret hidden Camera shot of Jerry and his girlfriend at the zoo

[LA_MERC_BS]

lol, man now I'm just trying to crawl off the stage while Andy is kicking me. I now realize that I didn't have a chance in hell of winning this thing hahaha.

Diesel, its hard to find a good woman like that lol.

[LA_MERC_Andyconda]

As promised, a personal turd story.
Back inthe day I was one hell of a prankster. me and the old high school crew pulled every clische prnk in the book. Even the old fill a brown bag with nice hot fresh cow patties, run put it on someone's porch, light it on fire, then ring teh door bell, run like hell and hide, and watch the person come out, see the bag on fire, stomp it out, and splash flamming manueur every where. Very funny to do and watch. But, since I live such a charmed life. Here's what happened on one particular warm summer day. We gather some very fresh ammo. Load in the back of the truck and drive to find the next victim. That night was a drinking heavy night. Well we get to the target and it's my turn to set the trap and run. I was the one doing this alot since I was the "Runner" (This being I was dumb ebough to do it and the only fast skinny, long legged one in the group, here it didn't pay to have fat friends). All was going as planned, I snuck on to the porch, As I'm setting the bag down when all of a sudden the door opens. You know how when your startled you flinch. Well, lets just say its not a good idea to be holding a nice brown bag of heavy warm cow poop when you do. I flinch so hard the bag pops up and breaks on me. The flinch direction was such that I caught shrapnel on the right side. Also, since I was startled I took off running with ammo in hand. Now since the bag is torn I'm leaking toxic waste on the run. Of course I'm looking for help so I'm running to my buddies who are hidden in the bushes. Needless to say they scatered like quail from a corn field when they noticed what happened and see me coming in a B line right for them. The old guy on the porch was laughing so hard I could hear him 100's of yards away as we made our way back to the truck (Of which I had to ride in the back). I remeber my mom asking. "Damn son, you smell like S H I T, you boys been playing Dung Fu with the cows.

[LA_MERC_Diesel]

:laugh:
I'm hit....go on guys save yourself...LMAO

[LA_MERC_Andyconda]

LOL, Man down, man down, lol. Jerry keeps trying to crawl out of the ring, but I keep dragging him in by his feet to gove him some more. He tried tagging out to you Mike but I brought down the steel folding chair (Acrowd favorite turd story), What are friends for, heheheheheheher!

[LA_MERC_BS]

Hurricane story

As the hurricane came on land I was driving around trying to see something flying through the air. My Taurus started lifting up off the road a few times, so I figured it was time to get a bigger cup of coffee from the station. I also needed to pick up a camera. Well I pull in the station and start shooting the bull with the Chief. Next thing I hear on the radio is that a woman in an apartment complex across the street from the police department is in a wheel chair and she is about to drown. I chuckle with the Chief “yeah right”. We look out the door and see the water. OH SHAT !!! About 10 of us pile into vehicles and drive as close as possible to the apartment complex. Out of the car and into the water we go. We swam to the complex and started pulling people out of the apartments. Me and Mike are looking for the wheel chair lady in the middle of a hurricane and rising water, man that sucked. Well we finally find her apartment. I hollar at her through the window. She hollars back that she needs help. We couldn’t get the door open for some reason. So I go underwater and look for something heavy and hard. Found a brick. I took the brick and smash out the front window of the apartment. As soon as the glass broke the woman screams “YOU SON OF AH @%$@^, YOU BROKE MY WINDOW”. For a moment I thought , crazy ass I’m trying to save you. We climb through the window into the apartment. The woman is sitting in her wheel chair with water to her chin, and she is still cursing me out about her damn window. We grab the wheel chair and start to drag her out. She refuses to go with us until we find her shoes. We both stop and look at each other with this “you have got to be &#$%ing kidding me lady”. She wasn’t. I waded through the water in her apartment and found two black shoes. Mike was working on getting the front door open before the whole building came down. Keep in mind the water is rising fast. I came back to the lady with the shoes. She hit me on the shoulder with one of the shoes and told me that those were two different shoes. I go back for another search. This time I brought back an arm full of shoes. She picked her out a pair of shoes and was now ready to go. The water had risen a foot higher now. We have to swim her out. I called shotgun on the wheel chair, Mike is still pissed about that one. We drug her and the wheel chair up a hill to shallower ground where other Officers were ready to take possession of her crazy ass. As soon as we could, we put her back in the wheel chair. We then started dragging this 250 pound woman up hill backwards in the wheel chair. All the while she was threatening us “if you two drop me, I’ll sue your f$%ing asses”. Got her to top and tagged out with two other guys to have a go at her. The woman was taken to the Police Department where she quickly tried to file a complaint against me for breaking her window.

[SweetGirL]

OMG that was funny as hell!!!!

C'mon, BS, you should know better.......a woman's shoes have to match! Thank God you weren't saving Imelda Marcus! ROFLMAO

[LA_MERC_BS]

Pissed Cat


Sunday night I was playing BF2 with a few of you and decided that it was time for me to go work a hurricane. I moved my bike from the bedroom into the hallway for greater protection against roof collapse. I filled the food bowl up with cat food and packed one change of clothes. As I started to leave, my cat walks up to me. I look at her and say “ I have to go to work, the bike is in the hallway and theres plenty of food. Keep an eye on my bike and I’ll be back in 24 hours” She said meow and I headed out the door. I shut the power and water off and made my way to the police department to do battle with a hurricane.

Tuesday night I was finally able to go check on my house. Me and Lawdog jump in my car and head to the house. As I rounded the corner, I was happy to see my house still standing. I walked up to the door and attempted to open it. Door was jammed. Thats odd. I tried to kick it in with no luck. Together me and Law forced the front door open with our shoulders. When the door came open I was in shock. There was mud everywhere and all of my furniture was moved around the house. It finally donged on us that my house was under water. I could see my bike in the hallway still standing. All of the sudden it hit me MY CAT. We climbed over the fridge and cabinets which had been floating around the house. We made haste to the back bedroom calling for Syble (mean ass cat). As we got to the back bedroom, we heard a poor pathetic meow. It sounded as if she was on her last few seconds of life. We found her standing on the mattress that was now 10 feet from the bed frame. As soon as Syble realized it was me, her meows changed. Now she was meowing loud and fast as if she was mad at me. I could be wrong but I think she said

“You *****, you left me in this damn house for two damn days during a hurricane. Did you know that the water came into the house? I had to surf this damn mattress around the room for hours. What was that you said..... keep an eye on your bike ...... yeah I kept an eye on that bike. I watched and laughed my furry ass off as the water finally went over the windshield you moron. Oh and I crapped on your damn bed, what do you think of that Mr. I’ll be back in 24 hours. Get me the hell out of this house you idiot.”

I let her out. She finally started talking to me again after a few weeks.

[LA_MERC_Dirge]

LMAO DFJ you two. When this is all done or when y'all get a break, Ima buy a keg to treat us all to some much needed relief. Remember, if your need anything, give me a yell. I made out okay, except I need a chainsaw for the front yard and a carpenter for the back fence.

[SweetGirL]

OMG LMAO!! You can't catch a break with ANY females, can ya, BS?!

[|Team Moped| Kripto]

I'm glad your cat is ok....But what happened to the Ghost? Do Ghosts float? Does the Ghost have a name? What does the Red Cross do to help the pain and suffering of all those Ghosts in NOLA? That's what you don't see on TV! With all of that Voodoo that you guys do down there (I know I've seen that movie with Steven Segal and the twin drug lords) there is a large segment of the population that has been neglected.


Glad you’re alright BS, thanks for all of your hard work! When it becomes the time to replace your bike (I’m assuming it’s outa commission) I would be curious to see what you replace it with.

[LA_MERC_BS]

I tried to claim Syble with red cross, but I was told that the red cross does not offer cat assistance.

[LA_MERC_LaTech]

lmao, that's awesome BS!

[LA_MERC_Andyconda]

Glad to hear your OK BS. Good stories too. I'm looking forward to sharing Robby's Keg with you guys once everyone is back on their feet.

[LA_MERC_Dirge]

Glad to hear your OK BS. Good stories too. I'm looking forward to sharing Robby's Keg with you guys once everyone is back on their feet.

Sharing over some fence re-building! lol

[LA_MERC_BS]

I think me and Andy have neglected this thread for a while, so I'm sure he's got a butt load of new storys for "Uncle Andy's Story Time". I had to tell you guys about this one. Some of ya'll have already seen it since I posted it on my myspace page, but here it is again.

If ya'll are trying to call me on my cell phone, well you can hang that sh1t up for a few days. It all started when I was watching TV. A commercial came on so I jumped up and ran to john to take a leak. Well I was standing there doing my thing and thinking about ordering pizza, then the phone rang. In my current situation I was one handed. So with my free hand I reach in my front pocket to get my phone out. Next thing I know, theres a bobble, juggle and a slip as I watch my phone slowly fall towards the toilet. Now by this time I've pissed all over the damn toilet, wall, floor, hell its a good thing the cat wasn't in there. The phone spashes down in the toilet, and with my jedi / matrix skills I quickly grab the phone out of the water. The phone starts vibrating and shuts off. Hmmmm, so now I have a phone thats shot, a piss soaked hand and I'm missing the movie I was watching. I take a few moments to think about what just happened. I mean seriously what are the chances of that sh1t really happening? I stood there in disbelief for a few minutes. The only thing I could think of is, who ever it was that called me, really got me good on that one. So I spent the next hour cleaning piss up in the bathroom, and off of me. I then started my quest to try and salvage the piss phone. As of today the best I can get out of it is, it will come on, but it wont connect to the network. I'm sure I don't have piss insurance on my phone through cellular south. And everyone knows what happens when you go to get a new phone. Buy out of your old contract, buy in to a new one, not to mention the new phone that cost as much as its weight in gold. I would like everyone to take this oppertunity to either check to see if your cellular phone has accidental piss insurance, or don't try to answer the phone when your in the bathroom.