LA_MERC_M@lACHi
March 12th, 2005, 11:01 AM
In General...
1. Never take a beer to an interview.
2. Always identify people in your yard before shooting them.
3. It's considered tacky to take a cooler to church.
4. If you have to vacuum the bed, it's time to change the sheets.
5. Even if you're certain that you're included in the will,
it's rude to drive a U-haul to the funeral.
Dining Out
1. When decanting the wine from the box, make sure you tilt
the paper cup and pour slowly so as not to 'bruise' the fruit of the wine.
2. If drinking directly from the bottle, always hold it with
your hands.
Entertaining in your home
1. A centerpiece for the table should never be anything
prepared by a taxidermist.
Personal Hygiene
1. While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this job should be
done in private using one's own truck keys.
2. Even if you live alone, deodorant is not a waste of money.
3. Use of proper toiletries can only delay bathing for a few days.
4. Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a social no-no, as
they tend to distract from a woman's jewelry, and alter the taste of
finger foods.
Dating (outside the family)
1. Always offer to bait your date's hook, especially on the
first date.
2. Be assertive, Let her know you're interested: "I've been
wanting to go out with you ever since I read that stuff on the
bathroom walls two years ago."
3. Establish with her parents what time she is expected back.
Some will say 10:00 PM. Others might say "Monday," If the latter is
the answer, it is the man's responsibility to get her to school on time.
Theater Etiquette
1. Crying babies should be taken to the lobby and picked up
immediately after the movie has ended.
2. Refrain from talking to the characters on the screen.. Tests
have proven that they can't hear you.
Weddings
1. Livestock, usually is a poor choice for a wedding gift.
2. Kissing the bride for more than 5 seconds might get you
shot.
3. For the groom, at least, rent a tux. A leisure suit with a
cummerbund and a clean bowling shirt can create a tacky appearance.
4. Though uncomfortable, say 'yes' to socks! and shoes for
this special occasion.
Driving Etiquette
1. Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles, even if the
gun is loaded and the deer is in sight.
2. When approaching a four way stop, the vehicle with the largest
tires does not always have the right of way.
3. Never tow another car using panty hose and duct tape.
4. When sending your wife down the road with a gas can, it is
impolite to ask her to bring back beer too.
5. Do not lay rubber while traveling in a funeral procession..
1. Never take a beer to an interview.
2. Always identify people in your yard before shooting them.
3. It's considered tacky to take a cooler to church.
4. If you have to vacuum the bed, it's time to change the sheets.
5. Even if you're certain that you're included in the will,
it's rude to drive a U-haul to the funeral.
Dining Out
1. When decanting the wine from the box, make sure you tilt
the paper cup and pour slowly so as not to 'bruise' the fruit of the wine.
2. If drinking directly from the bottle, always hold it with
your hands.
Entertaining in your home
1. A centerpiece for the table should never be anything
prepared by a taxidermist.
Personal Hygiene
1. While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this job should be
done in private using one's own truck keys.
2. Even if you live alone, deodorant is not a waste of money.
3. Use of proper toiletries can only delay bathing for a few days.
4. Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a social no-no, as
they tend to distract from a woman's jewelry, and alter the taste of
finger foods.
Dating (outside the family)
1. Always offer to bait your date's hook, especially on the
first date.
2. Be assertive, Let her know you're interested: "I've been
wanting to go out with you ever since I read that stuff on the
bathroom walls two years ago."
3. Establish with her parents what time she is expected back.
Some will say 10:00 PM. Others might say "Monday," If the latter is
the answer, it is the man's responsibility to get her to school on time.
Theater Etiquette
1. Crying babies should be taken to the lobby and picked up
immediately after the movie has ended.
2. Refrain from talking to the characters on the screen.. Tests
have proven that they can't hear you.
Weddings
1. Livestock, usually is a poor choice for a wedding gift.
2. Kissing the bride for more than 5 seconds might get you
shot.
3. For the groom, at least, rent a tux. A leisure suit with a
cummerbund and a clean bowling shirt can create a tacky appearance.
4. Though uncomfortable, say 'yes' to socks! and shoes for
this special occasion.
Driving Etiquette
1. Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles, even if the
gun is loaded and the deer is in sight.
2. When approaching a four way stop, the vehicle with the largest
tires does not always have the right of way.
3. Never tow another car using panty hose and duct tape.
4. When sending your wife down the road with a gas can, it is
impolite to ask her to bring back beer too.
5. Do not lay rubber while traveling in a funeral procession..